


Mending broken bonds.

by Epselion



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Gen, Non-Canonical Violence, Psychological Trauma, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2013-10-28
Packaged: 2017-12-30 18:57:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 39,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epselion/pseuds/Epselion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki slipped from Asgard's watches. It's Thor that now wants to fix things for good. But can he actually mend what has been broken? And what happens when others try to break it again? - rated teen for the torture stuff that will appear in this-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A cool reception

Chapter 1. A cool reception.

The storms on Jotunheim were never-ending. They would go on for months, ravaging the land with ice and snow as sharp as knives. The winds were so cold the sweat on a man’s skin would freeze instantly. But freezing sweat and storms didn’t bother Thor. Jotunheim’s worst blizzard wouldn’t kill his determination, he would face it, head held high and push through the merciless winds. 

But Thor wasn’t in Jotunheim to test the blizzards and ice. He wasn’t there for the Jotuns either. He sought for someone. Yet his eyes darted around suspiciously, this someone didn’t want to be found so it seemed. And Thor knew him well enough to be sure an attack could come.

“Loki!” he shouted.

His words seemed to lose power as the winds raged around him. Nothing but a weak echo came back to him. A chill had filled his chest, one not caused by the cold around him though.

“Loki!” 

This was useless, Jotunheim was so vast, and he could barely see a few feet ahead through the thick snowfall. But his brother had slipped away from his watch. He’d escaped the cell under the palace. It was foolish to leave someone like Loki alone in a cage. He was too clever; they had been fools to think they could keep him imprisoned. And now he was gone, and there was no way in hell that he would trust Thor now.

But Thor was desperate, he had to try. However, the icy lands of Jotunheim worked in Loki’s benefit. Thor knew that if they were to meet that it would be on Loki’s terms, not on his….. if they were to meet.

“Please brother! Your crimes do not bother me!” Thor felt a lump in his throat. “I just want you back, I miss you….” 

He couldn’t bring out the last words as more than a whisper. He sagged on his knees, his legs felt heavy as if they carried his grief as well as his weight. He knew his brother was not bound to him by blood, but still, they had grown up together. And Loki’s madness, that was his fault too. He had his words on Midgard burnt in his memory… 

‘I remember but a shadow.’ Loki had snapped to him.

His shadow, if only he had taken a bit of time to care for him, earlier. Now all he could do was try and mend a mind that might be too damaged with pain. 

“What a sorry sight you are Thor.” A voice as cold as the ice around him rose. 

It was burning with despise, yet smooth and controlled as it always had been. So familiar. Thor looked up to lock his gaze in front of him. He stared at Loki’s legs, he couldn’t bring himself to look to his face.  The deep blue of jotun skin both intrigued and spooked him. He knew what exactly Loki was, but he had never seen him like that.  His bare feet and legs seemed to not even feel the cold around them.

“Brother.” A thankful smile came to his face.

“What do you want?” Loki’s voice was cold and hid nothing of his anger.

Thor knew that if he were to look up to Loki’s face it would be a mask, calm but his eyes. They would burn with hatred, pain, loathing. He refused to see it, knew it would freeze every word shut in his throat.

“I came to bring you home.”

A low snicker came out, there was no amusement in it.

“Like on Midgard? I recall you ‘bringing me home’ tied and silenced.”

“I had no choice. You tried to subjugate the human race.” Thor called in defence.

“Not everyone gets a kingdom thrown at their feet for nothing Thor!”

That was a subject he needed to avoid quickly. He looked to Loki’s face. It was weird, as if some monster had stolen Loki’s face. His eyes were scary, the blood red seemed to flare with fury. Before Thor could tell himself it was all good his hand had already moved to Mjolnir. Loki’s eyes darkened as he saw it.

“You are not welcome here.” The chill in his voice was back, as was the rest.

“But brother-”

“- Go home to Asgard. To YOUR father and friends and leave me be.” Loki cut him off.

Apparently he presumed the conversation over because he turned his back on Thor. The man reacted quickly and grasped his wrist. He was worried for Loki, even though his jotun form was alien to Thor he could see Loki was skinny. His body was covered by only two sloppily cut fur hides, one draped over shoulders one around his hips, they were messy and looked like a rushed job for clothes.

“You wouldn’t survive here. This isn’t you.”

Loki let out a chuckle and turned to face Thor again.

“And you would know now? You know nothing about me.”

He pulled his hand away.

“Of course I know. You’re my brother.”

Another chuckle, again it was cold rather than amused.

“I never was your brother, doesn’t this prove that for you?” he set a few steps back. “This is my true face Thor, the place I was born. So don’t you tell me I don’t belong here.”

The blond god fell silent at that, what was there to say?

“Do you live with the jotun now? Does this make you happy?”

Loki’s face changed for a moment, pain…

“They won’t let you live with them do they?”

“Leave Thor, go away and don’t come back anymore.”

“No brother please!” Thor shouted. “I just want us to be like before, when we were young. I could be the brother I should have been all along.”

“We’re not children anymore! You’re too late!” 

He was not far from attacking Thor just to make him go. Thor was cold, the chill climbed up through his knees and left him shivering. 

“Is there nothing I can do to make you forgive me?”

Loki looked at him with an expression that betrayed nothing. 

“You and Asgard are dead to me. I have given you all up, you should do the same.”

“If that is the truth, then why did you come to see me?”

Loki shrugged and shook his head as if all meant nothing.

“Call it a moment of weakness. Some part of me wanted to say goodbye.”

Finally Thor came to his feet.

“I will not accept goodbye Loki, I will follow you, come back to find you every day.”

“You wouldn’t have found me here if I hadn’t come to you.”

“But I will try. Because I made you a promise!”

His brother’s face remained unchanged except for a weak frown.

“We were children then…. ”

“I wasn’t, not anymore. And I meant it.”

Thor took a large step to face Loki. He looked at the patterns on his skin that were so close, the eyes threatened him silently not to come any closer. Slowly, calmly, Thor placed one hand on Loki’s chest. The steady strong heartbeat pulsed against his gloved fingers. He sighed in relief.

“What?” Loki asked sharply.

“Your heart. I had feared that you had lost it.”

Silence. 

“This isn’t farewell brother. Don’t you dare to die alone.” 

Thor’s fingers slipped off his cold chest as he turned to leave in the snow. Loki watched the man he’d once called his brother disappear in the mists. A single tear ran over his cheek. Warm, painful, human. All he would give for Thor’s words to be true… He wanted to be back in Asgard as if nothing happened. But things had happened, bad things, ones that weren’t forgotten. 

He’d let jealousy corrupt him, not just corrupt him, it had driven him mad. He had tried to become king when the chance had presented itself, just because it was there suddenly. And falling into the void coldly rejected by your father like he never believed in you anyway hadn’t helped a great deal either. So when the Chitauri had presented him with one hell of a chance for sweet revenge, he had taken it with both hands. It had not quite worked out for him. And for such blind greed he would pay alone. And Thor just had it all, it made him boil. But one thing didn’t add up. Thor seemed to want him back, no matter what he had done to make the blond god hate him. It wasn’t like he had ever mattered in Thor’s eyes before. Maybe Thor had changed, became the brother he once had been before the kingdom came in sight for him. 

Even if that was true, somehow, there were more people he’d upset. 

He couldn’t face all the other Asgardians, his father, his mother…..no Thor’s father and mother, not his.  The Warrior’s Three would consider him a traitor, which he was. Sif’s temper would have him killed within three seconds of arriving. And he only had himself to blame.

Blindly he looked out over the world. Snow and ice surrounded him, every side of his peripheral vision the very same, cold endless wasteland. Nobody should have been able to find him, not out here. It was a miracle that Thor had, or maybe not, Thor had Heimdall. But it surprised him that the gatekeeper had helped Thor, even he had stood up against him, even though Heimdall was supposed to serve his king. But then again, he hadn’t quite been a king. He had only claimed the title, hoping that it would eventually make him one. 

That obviously hadn’t worked out, for there he was, staggering through the snow to hope he found a cave to spend the night in. He had spotted some peaks from afar, ragged pieces of rock, a hill once maybe. The bits of light that the thick storms let through at day were fading quickly as he crossed the icy slopes. There was a cave, small and with a narrow opening. He approached the entrance carefully though, maybe something else had already taken residence in the cavern. It was pitch black inside, he couldn’t even see his own hand anymore as he stuck his arm out first. A small flame appeared on it that cast shadows inside, it was a bigger cave than he’d thought, his light didn’t reach the walls. The flame shone brighter. He squeezed himself through the narrow entrance, nothing there, he was alone. A few spiders and other bugs fled away from the light to cracks and corners. Because the opening was so narrow the wind didn’t reach him there. It was quiet at last. The flame left his fingers to settle in the middle of the cave, flaring up to cast light everywhere, a green poisonous light. Loki sat down and stared in the dancing fire until his eyes started to hurt. He shifted his gaze to his hands which he had folded around his knees, fingers entwined. The patterns swirled over his steel blue knuckles. Jotun skin was tough, thick. It had to withstand the trenchant winds and snow that turned into projectiles at that speed. He rubbed two fingers together.

Thor was right, it wasn’t him. Which was utter nonsense of course, his mind told him, he was born like this. It had always been him. But still, he had gone thousands of years without realizing it, thousands of years in Aesir flesh, nothing compared to these few years that he knew what he was. And even most of that time he had used living in his façade. He hated it, his jotun form. How could he not? As a child he had been taught that Jotuns were treacherous, the enemy, a lower species…. He turned his face again, to the ground beside him. An icicle melted to a puddle below with an almost rhythmic dripping. The clear water reflected his face, the blue skin in his forehead folded together in a frown, red eyes gleaming with a few tears he had felt stinging already. _A lower species. Fun to hunt after, because surely they were no match for real warriors…._ But he was strong, powerful…. He could take them all on, he was better than them. _No, he was rejected by them, born too small. Not even good enough for their standards._ He watched himself again, the blue grew greyer, whiter and then to pink, a shade so light it was barely even pink. The patterns sank away to smooth his features again. The red in his eyes faded to the corners and became white, gleaming white, his irises green. At least he recognized himself now. Although this mess reflected was but a shade of the prince he had been. Dirty, dressed in dead animal, hollow eyed, thin, hungry. A sad creature. 

He growled in boiling frustration and froze the puddle shut. _Just accept that it’s you._ He wouldn’t, he would tell himself he was better than that. Just as he had told himself that he was a king.

‘Don’t you dare die alone.’ Thor’s threat spooked in his head. 

He was alone though, just not dead…. _Yet._ The last word in his thoughts cut through him like a knife. Part of him just wanted to cry like he had when the world had seemed against him as a child, part of him had a desperate need to have company right now. And the part he gave in to told him to go to sleep. That maybe the aching would stop and his dreams could give him a temporary illusion of happiness. He curled on his side, knowing that fatigue would get to him sooner than real sleep. He shut his eyes and the flame that gave no warmth died out in front of him. The dark engulfed everything as Loki fell asleep, not as alone as he’d thought.

 


	2. Promises, promises

Chapter 2. Promises, promises.

 

A loud shatter accompanied the explosion of glass on the floor of the Allfather’s room. Loki froze with shock. He had only meant to look. Now the glass that had been a sun-clock lay in a thousand pieces across the floor. Someone had knocked on the doors to his father’s chambers. Because he’d been on edge his sudden jerk had caused the clock to slip from its pillar to the floor. The doors swung open and Thor burst in. Mjolnir was aimed straight at the presumed intruder and his gaze was unforgiving. 

“You made a grave mistake intruding the Allfather’s chambers you….”

Thor stood baffled.

“Loki?”

He lowered his weapon again. 

“Why are you here?”

The younger set a few steps back.

“I didn’t mean to- I just….I was curious. And father wouldn’t tell me what it was…..”

Thor’s eyes fell on the glass shards.

“You broke father’s clock?”

“It was just an accident.”

Loki looked genuinely desperate.

“Father will kill me…..”

Thor closed the doors behind him and stood beside his brother.

“Nonsense, he-… Is that my cape Loki?”

Thor eyed the black fabric draped over his younger brother’s shoulders. Loki avoided his gaze and looked to his right. He was dressed fully in black, nothing but the silver mantle pin to break the dark.

“Maybe…” he said, testing if Thor would be angry.

“Brother you may not steal my cape!”

“I didn’t steal it! I borrowed it from you, I simply didn’t ask you for it.”

“You should have asked.”

“You weren’t around when I needed it. So I just took it to ask you later.”

Thor shook his head.

“You mustn’t just take as you please.”

Loki rolled his eyes.

“You have a dozen of those things. And you never wear it, you always wear red.”

“It’s about principles. You cannot take as you please.”

“You always shout a son of a king may do and take as he pleases.” he fired back.

“Yes, by war. You must deserve what you please by war.”

“So you would rather fight with me over this thing. It’s just a cape.” Loki sighed.

“Just ask.” Thor ended the conversation.

He brushed the cape flat.

“You will never make a good warrior with shoulders like those brother.” Thor murmured.

“But you may keep the cape. It suits you.”

“I can fight Thor.” Loki sulked. “In time I will even win from you in a fight.”

“Volstagg said you cannot wield a sword.”

Thor rose an eyebrow.

“I can, not well. But I CAN fight, with magic.”

The blond god let out a snort.

“Magic is a discipline for women.”

“Shut up Thor.”

The blond god started picking up shards from the floor.

“So, are you sure you don’t want sword lessons?”

A displeased grunt came from Loki’s throat. He brushed shards on a heap with his hands.

“I am just fine Thor. It’s more powerful than you think. And still, I can wield a sword. Sort of…”

He added the last words as a murmur. 

Thor smirked. He refrained from any further teasing, a pissed Loki was capable of attacking him with these shards.

“I won’t ever become your equal as a warrior…” Loki sighed beside him. “No matter what I try.”

Thor blinked a few times, he hadn’t meant for Loki to think of it like that.

“You are equal to me. I may be the better warrior but you are better with words.”

“Father doesn’t think we are.” he answered bitterly.

The blond god frowned.

“What makes you think that?”

“He said it. He said that magic and a sharp tongue were dangerous, that he wanted nothing of it.” he stopped. “That I’d do better to try and be more like you.”

That was hard. It was even unfair.

“Let the old man talk, I think magic will suit you just fine. There is nothing dangerous about it, not with your heart.”

A smile came on Loki’s face.

“We should hurry. If we make it quick we can throw away the shards before father gets here and sneak out.”

“And then what? He will see the clock is gone.” 

“We just blame it on the new guard, the one with the brown beard. I don’t like him anyway.”

“We can’t do that! Father would remove him from court.”

“Why not? He said I had no spine and called you a spoiled piece of shit.”

Thor snorted.

“We don’t have the right to do that. No matter what he said.” the blond god stood up. “Besides, you have a spine.”

He pinched Loki’s back. 

“Ow! You know damn well what I meant.”

“You must stay to tell father though.”

Loki let out a heavy sigh.

“Can’t you just say you did it?”

His eyes were pleading as he looked up to Thor.

“Father is already angry, he always goes easy on you.”

“I can’t Loki. I don’t like lying.”

The younger brought out a hopeful ‘please?’ while he kept gathering shards with his left hand. The sharp edge of glass cut through the palm of his hand before Thor even answered. He jerked back his hand with a yelp, a few drops of blood dripped on the smooth floor. Thor knelt beside him.

“You must. It will be short and unpleasant, but it will be over.” 

He took a piece of cloth and bound it over Loki’s hand.

“Like disinfecting a wound. It’s but a sharp pain to prevent an infection.”

“Father angry is hardly a disinfectant. He would be more like some moron cutting the wound out to make sure there is no glass left.”

Thor laughed, feeling that the mood lightened.

“I’ll stay by you. I can do that. That will make it easier.”

“You promise?” Loki asked, eyes on Thor’s fingers as they made a quick knot.

“I promise. But do know brother that a good man will always face faults he made.”

The younger let out a snort.

“Only a stupid man sticks around long enough for that.”

Thor was about to argue with that as they heard powerful footsteps approaching. Loki shot up from the floor and made way for the window, Thor grabbed his arm and pulled him beside him.

“A good man, Loki…..” he mumbled.

“I don’t care about being a good man Thor, let me go.” he hissed.

The massive doors swung open, their father stood in the opening.

“Boys, why are you here?” his voice was demanding and sharp, both of them knew they weren’t allowed in there in the first place. Loki looked at the floor, attempting to jerk his arm from Thor’s hand without anyone noticing. Odin’s eye shifted from his silent sons to the heap of glass.

“Who broke my clock? And why are you two here?” his voice came with more force now.

Thor gave Loki a dig with his elbow.

“I did…” he whispered.

“Speak up, Loki.”

He straightened his back and looked up, shrinking back together again as he looked his father in his father’s face.

“I did… I broke the clock.”

“He didn’t mean to break it father.” 

Odin raised a hand.

“Thor leave the room.”

Loki’s head snapped up and he looked at Thor.

“You promised…. Right?” his words were a whisper.

“Yes father.” the blond god answered.

He turned to give Loki a soundless ‘I’m sorry.’ But Loki only gave him death ray in his eyes.

Thor closed the door behind him as he left.

“Loki, I was clear when I told you and Thor not to come into this room yes?”

Loki nodded, his gaze nailed on the bandage around his left hand.

“And yet here you are.”

“I am sorry. I was just curious and I had to…..”

A grip like iron closed around his shoulder. The fingers bruised the skin under his shirt as his father dragged him to the doors.

“Learn to take no for an answer Loki.”

The younger reached to push the hand away but froze under his father’s gaze.

“Come in here again and I’ll be forced to lock you in your room until you get the meaning of no trespassing.” His shoulder protested heavily, muscles crying for freedom, the tips of his fingers went numb from lack of blood flowing to them.

“Father, that hurts…” he whispered.

The grip shifted to his upper arm, equally painful though.

“A bit of pain will be the least of your problems if you disobey me again.”

Loki swallowed, he just hoped his mother would come down the hallway, tell Odin to calm down.

“Do you understand now?”

Loki nodded, gaze at the floor.

“Answer me properly.”

The grip closed firmer, he heard the bone groan under the pressure. He looked up, his face was calm and maybe a bit grimaced from the ache.

“I understand.” his teeth grid as he held back the boiling of anger, fear and frustration inside.

“I don’t want that tone Loki.” 

Loki pulled his arm, hoping he would take the hint and let go, instead his father jerked him back to face him.

“I’m sorry father.” he answered relaxing his voice. “I will not do it again.”

His father nodded. 

The hand around his arm let go and instead pushed him off into the hallway.

“Get lost, and don’t let me hear or see you again until dinner.”

Loki didn’t let that be said twice. He walked away from his father’s room. He wanted to run, but his pride wouldn’t let him. Hot tears of anger stung in his eyes, his mind telling him how unfair his father had been, that he had no right. But he had, he was his father. From the blunt sear in his right hand he noticed that his nails were tearing small wounds in his skin. He relaxed his fingers, hoping the feeling of boiling anger would sink away in his chest. His mother passed him in the hallways, she said nothing, apparently his body language gave him away completely. She just shot him a sorry glance and brushed her hand over his shoulder before walking away.

Loki shoved the doors to the gardens open with a bit more forced than necessary before he made a turn to sit under a large tree.  He had labelled that tree his sulking spot a long time ago already. It was quiet and calm there, a place he could be alone for a moment. The bushes behind him waved in the late summer wind. He hated summer, he hated his father and god he hated Thor. All his gibberish about a good man and then walking off on his promise as daddy snaps his fingers. He wished he would be let off the hook so easily. He looked out over the grass lawn in front of him. At the far end he could see the stables, a building big enough to be a second palace if you asked Loki. A few horses enjoyed the healthy grass under their feet, some companions in the stables looking at them in pure envy. At the right corner he could see Thor’s horse, father had given him a horse of his own a few months back. Their father would tell them that a good rider was half a warrior. And of course Thor was good at it, very good, Thor was always just perfect.

He pulled his knees to his chest and eyed the grey steed that came towards him. It was curious, still a young horse. Loki gave it a dark look, wondering if it would scare the animal away. But instead the idiot came closer nibbling at the grass just before his feet. Its brown eyes looked back at him questioning, as if asking permission to come closer. Loki didn’t move, watching as the horse slobbered the grass down. 

“You have ill manners.” he said.

The steed let out a grunt, as if it told him to mind his own business. Then it stepped around him to start munching away on the bushes. Loki snorted and looked away again. The wind rustled through the leaves and forced the grass down against the soil. He was calm now, at ease. The warm nose of the horse pushed against his shoulder, nudging him as a hint to give some attention.  The warm breath filtered through the fabric of his tunic and cape. Absentmindedly he brushed his fingers over the horse’s nose. He didn’t have a horse, father thought him unworthy of one of his own. Not that he didn’t know how to ride though. Suddenly the horse jerked away and ran off. Loki opened one eye, unaware that he had even shut them. Thor came towards him.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare him off.” he said.

Loki ignored him, his gaze looking past him to follow the horse’s movements.

“I was almost worried for you, you usually come to me after father gets angry.” Thor spoke awkwardly.

“Not now Thor.” he sighed, still not looking at him.

“Are you angry with me?” the blond god stepped in front of him, forcing Loki to at least have to look at his feet.

The younger looked up, one eye closed to block the burning sunshine.

“Of course I am.”

“Because I left?” Thor sounded insulted.

“You’d promised to stay!” he said accusingly.

“But father told me to leave…” 

Loki let out a snort and rolled his eyes.

“You said the old man was just talking….. Please don’t start your whole good man preaching on me again if you plan to pull of such a thing!”

Thor sat down, looking like a kicked puppy.

“He is still our father, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

Loki’s eyes softened.

“Well it happened. He’s pissed and wishes not to see me again until dinner.” he rubbed over his sore shoulder and arm as he remembered.

“Did he hurt you?”

“Bit of a bruise, nothing more.” Loki answered shortly, hoping Thor would get the hint to shut up.

“He did? Let me have a look.” 

Loki slapped his hand away as it moved for his arm.

“There is nothing to see. Can we just get over it…?”

The blond god nodded and sought for a different subject.

“Would you show me how to saddle a horse?” he asked out of the blue.

Loki looked at him to see if he was joking.

“You don’t know how to saddle a horse?” he couldn’t restrain a chuckle.

“No.” Thor’s cheeks flushed red. “Horses are always already saddled when I need one.”

“What warrior cannot saddle his horse?” Loki laughed now.

Thor’s blush darkened.

“Don’t mock me brother!” he warned.

“How would you do things in war then? Ask the enemy for a hand?”

“I just didn’t get to it yet.” he murmured.

“Fine, I’ll show you. Although it leaves me clueless why father gave you a horse if you don’t even know how to saddle one.”

Loki stood up and stretched his limbs.

“At least I can ride one….” Thor fired back.

“I can ride a horse Thor!”

“But you don’t even have one.”

“Father said I am not ready. But why he considers you ready…..”

The blond god smiled.

“I will buy you one. I think you are ready.”

Loki let out nothing but a content chuckle.

“Come, I’ll teach you.”

Thor trailed behind his brother towards the massive building. The mare Thor could call his looked at them with curious eyes. Thor put a hand on her manes and fed her a good hand of candy chunks. Loki shook his head in disapproval.

“You mustn’t spoil her like that.”

“But look at those sweet eyes, they make a man melt.”

The horse happily nibbled his hand for crumbs.

“Of course Thor, if you say… Where is her gear?”

“Her what?” 

“The saddle Thor? By the gods…” he sighed.

Thor let out an understanding ‘ooooh’ and ran off.

“All the things you must sustain which such an oaf as master.” he whispered to the animal.

And he could swear she nodded in agreement. He held up his hand for her to acclimate to his scent. She nibbled on his sleeve, wondering where he kept the candy. It was a gentle horse, not wildly jerking her head to get what she needed. Her golden colour shimmered in the sunlight. Her manes and tail seemed almost pearly white.

“I didn’t bring anything for you to eat.” he smiled, pulling his hand away.

He opened the stable door and stepped inside.

“I found it brother!” Thor shouted.

He laid the gear over the edge and stepped inside too.

“I hope you know that you ought to brush a horse before saddling it.”

Loki brushed his hand over her flank.

“Yes, I know that. But she is clean now.”

“Good, just checking. Just look, I’ll show you only once.”

Loki grabbed the small blanket and put it over her shoulders. Thor watched silently as he realized how many buckles horse’s gear had. 

“Hey Loki,” he started carefully as his brother put the leads over the neck.

“Yes?”

“You do feel better right? Telling father?”

“Thor…. Can we just not discuss that?”

“But you should feel better.”

“I don’t. If I hadn’t told him my shoulder wouldn’t be purple.”

“But wouldn’t you have felt guilty? I always feel like my insides are eating me when I lie.”

“No, it’s only a silly clock. Father has a lot of those things.”

“But don’t you get the feeling that it’s wrong?”

“Of course I do. But you just push it down and then it eventually goes away.”

“And don’t you go nuts with the fear of him finding out after all and then have more wrath.”

Loki stayed silent, pulling a few more buckles tight.

“I do. Always, but it’s a choice I make. You see, when such a thing as this happens I am just too afraid, so I lie. And when you tell a lie, you cannot go back…”

Thor understood, their father could be terrifying.

“So why not start now?” he asked.

“Start what?”

“Telling the truth.”

“I can’t.”

“You did in father’s rooms.”

“Yes, but you just about forced it out of me. I just…. Just let me do what I like.”

Thor looked sad.

“Will you please promise me that you will?”

“No. I will not.”

“But why not? Father hurt you, but at least it is over then.”

“Because, sometimes it is better to choose a lie over the truth. If you were to commit a terrible crime they will not forgive you because you said sorry and told them the truth! A lie may eat away at you but, at least it will not be crows!” 

The horse whinnied nervously from his raised voice. Loki sighed and sagged down in the hay.

“Do you really think you will commit such a crime one day?” Thor’s voice was small.

“I’m just afraid I will Thor. If everyone tells you that you have a black heart then what am I to expect?”

“I don’t think you do.”

“But what if I will?”

“I would stand by you to protect you. Whatever you did…” he spoke.

“Just like in father’s room?”

“I mean it. Whatever you do, I will come to bring you home.”

“Even if home would have me decapitated?” Loki asked bitterly.

“I would throw every sword and axe of Asgard off the bridge.”

Thor helped Loki up from the hay. 

“Will you promise me now?”

“I promise Thor.” he sighed.

Thor seemed content.

“Then, would you be so kind to show me how to saddle a horse again? I must admit that I haven’t paid a lot of attention.”


	3. An awkward return

Chapter 3: An awkward return.

 

As Loki woke up his eyes seemed frozen shut. He let out a groan and shifted his arms. His muscles popped and groaned, protesting against any movements. He managed to crack one eye open. His face was glued to the rocky floor. Daylight hardly made it through the crack where he had come in through the evening before. The icicles had melted even farther, the dripping water was probably even what woke him up. He tried to sit, his back aching so severely he feared it would just snap in two as he pressed himself against a nearby wall. He was still spoiled, all these years of soft beds and warmed rooms had left him used to nothing at all. He stared ahead. He’d had that dream again, the memory. Thor had promised him years, centuries ago to stay by his side. Loki had deemed that a children’s promise, had forgotten it even as he ruined Midgard and when he had fled his cell. But Thor had never forgotten, he had kept his end of their promise, came for him in the cold outskirts of Jotunheim. And he, he just sat there in some cave cowering for just about everything. He had to go back, he owed Thor that. But he couldn’t, he was a coward. He couldn’t weave a web of lies around this, in Asgard only death would await, maybe torture if that was what satisfied them more. _You did it yourself, didn’t you?_ True, but still he liked himself better in one piece. _You owe it to him…_ He bounced his head against the wall. Why was this so difficult? Here nothing but death waited too. The Jotuns hated him and hunted after him for backstabbing them and murdering their king, his actual father. The bitter irony. In Asgard there would only be misery, a small chance of survival, but at least one more person that cared for him. He parted his lips to speak, but bit down on them again immediately. He couldn’t do it, all these consequences he would have to bare.

‘I would always stay by your side.’

Loki let out a snort. It would help more if Thor would stay in front of him, then he could shield the stones and murderous gazes. But still, Thor would be there, and somehow, it was all he needed now. Because here, here he had nobody.

“Heimdall,” he whispered hesitantly, knowing that the gatekeeper would hear him even if he hardly made a sound. “Please just bring me home…”

He looked up, knowing it was silly because Heimdall or Asgard wasn’t on the ceiling but maybe he didn’t just address his words to the gatekeeper, maybe he did call upon a greater force. Around him an invisible force built that seemed to make the cave tingle with electricity. The Bifrost was opening. He just hoped that Thor would be waiting on the other side. A force pulled him in and his insides turned as he tumbled through empty space at a speed that could rip other creatures apart. Suddenly the dark lightened and he smacked face down on the golden floors of the Bifrost. Undignified he rolled on his back, a movement that took more effort than it should, and waited for the room to stop spinning around him at a sickening speed.

“You took longer than your brother to learn your lesson.” Heimdall’s disembodied voice concluded.

“Yes” Loki answered, afraid that more words would be accompanied with vomit.

He had no idea that travelling by the Bifrost could be so unpleasant for those who weren’t used to it. He stayed on his back until he felt it was safe enough to at least sit up. Heimdall pulled his sword from the lock and eyed him without a word. Loki staggered to his feet, taking a few stumbling steps until he leaned against the edges of the gate. Then he realized something, cursing his slowness.

“Since when has the Bifrost been repaired? How?” he waited for his stomach to calm.

“The Tesseract….” was all that came for an answer.

Footsteps closed in quickly, a click of heels accompanying them. Loki froze immediately, his gaze shooting up from the floor.

“Heimdall, who came in? I cannot remember we were to have guests.”

Loki recognized Lady Sif’s voice well before she came in sight.

“Or is the councillor of…..” her question was lost in her throat as Loki caught her eyes. The stern demanding brow almost shot up in surprise. She unsheathed her sword before Loki could move a muscle.

“Heimdall? What trickery is this?” she pulled her composure together again as if she still tried to hide her surprise.

“You may want to be a bit more specific my lady.” the gatekeeper only spoke.

“What is that?” she pointed her blade at Loki.

Her eyes burned and her entire form spoke of hostility.

“Loki Odinson. A trickster maybe, but not trickery.”

Loki vaguely felt the urge to react to ‘Odinson’ but refrained from it. He did shift uneasily, he had hoped not to meet anyone, especially not Sif. The woman snorted.

“Loki fell in the void when Thor destroyed the bridge.”

His brow furrowed. So nobody knew about Midgard, about the Chitauri, not even about his time in prison? Had Thor not told anybody, or his father?

“I can tell you he is here.” Heimdall said, not really answering any of Sif’s doubts.

She stepped forward and pressed the tip of her blade against Loki’s jaw, not intending to hurt him, not yet. He stepped back but felt the wall behind his back, he did raise his hands to show he meant no harm.

“You are either one hell of a spell or the real one, don’t ask me how. Either way, you are not welcome here.” she hissed at him.

“Just put the sword away, I will explain all you need to know, but-”

“Shut up!” she cut him off. “One more word or I cut your tongue out.”

Of course, she knew how well he could lie, she had all reason to distrust him like that right away. Instead he nodded curtly, the steel scraped over his skin as he did.

“Heimdall, kick him back to where he came from! Whatever corner of the Nine Realms that may be.”

“I cannot Lady Sif.” the gatekeeper rested on his massive sword, not looking like he was going to step in or help.

“He is an intruder!” the sword quivered as Sif made an angry gesture.

“He is under the protection and approval of Thor.”

Sif stood baffled again, looking at Heimdall as if she tried to see if he was under some mind control spell. She seemed to conclude that wasn’t the case because she growled and turned to Loki again.

“So, are you’re the real one?” her question was demanding.

At any other moment Loki would have eyed her without answering because surely she had told him to be quiet, but he liked his skin better without slices. Sif looked over his clothes disapprovingly, they were hardly fit for a prince after all, for any Asgardian even, hell they weren’t even clothes.

He contemplated saying he wasn’t, that he was only a trick to shake things up a bit. But then he had to figure motives and he had been out of news sources to long to make up a solid story. Besides, the chances of Sif stabbing that blade through his face to ‘solve the problem’ would rise significantly if he did. But he liked it better if she thought him dead, it was easier, no not worth it.

“Yes, I am still alive.” he answered reluctantly.

Sif grew pale first and then red with rage.

“What makes you think you could ever set foot in Asgard again?!” the blade tore his skin as she stepped forward.

She hadn’t necessarily meant to do so, not that she even thought of apologizing.

“Thor asked me to come back.”

“Come back from where? How did he find you? And why didn’t he find you earlier?”

Loki put his fingers on the blade to bend it from his face, or at least from the cut. Sif however put force on it, to warn him to not even try. This was nonsense, he could blow her across the bridge if he wanted to, she wouldn’t stand a chance to act. His eyes darkened as he thought of the stream of power under his skin, he only had to reach out to it and she would be smacked away like an insect. But he couldn’t start off like that, he had to show good will.

“From Jotunheim. How he found me I do not know, nor why it took him so long. You will have to ask Thor about that.” they were only partly lies and truth, woven together like he always had.

 “Jotunheim?” she repeated incredulous. “In that? You would have frozen to death.”

Nobody told them of his heritage either? What exactly had they been told about him?

“Well I didn’t.” he fired back, hoping she would take it to be a sufficient answer.

“Answer me properly, why didn’t you freeze to death in those sad bits of fur?”

“Caves are warmer, you know?” he started to get vexed, the wall pressing against his back made him feel cornered, not threatened though.

“You are practically naked.”

“I’m a sorcerer you stupid woman.” he hissed.

Wrong move. The steel cut over his jaw all the way back to his ear.

“Don’t insult me, you are not in a position to be witty.”

The warm liquid started to run down his throat and the fur on his shoulder sucked it in. It hardly bled fast but slowly it flowed into his clothing.

“Why would Thor even want you here?”

“I do not know.” He lowered his arms for they got tired. “Why don’t you me a favour and go ask him yourself instead of poking me in the face asking me questions I do not have answers to?”

He raised his voice only slightly but the point was clear.

“Because you have no right to call in any favours.”

Very true.

“Maybe so, but I still cannot answer questions I don’t have answers to.”

The tension between them rose to boiling point. Heimdall stayed to the side, not calling out to either of them, not even ready to step in. He just looked with his everlastingly stoic face.

“Just give me two reasons to not bring your dead body to Thor and maybe I will-”

“- Sif? What’s the bother?”

The woman turned around, displeased to be cut off like that. The sword slipped off his skin.

“Thor!” her tone was equal parts surprise and triumph. Apparently she didn’t buy Loki’s story about Thor wanting him back in Asgard.

To be honest, he hadn’t believed it either a day before.

“Sif, put that sword away!” Thor shouted panicked as he noticed Loki standing across her.

She let out a snort and cocked her head.

“Like hell I will Thor! You may have gone insane but I have not forgotten what he did to you, or to the Allfather, or to whole of Asgard for that matter. He tried to kill you! He tried to kill all of us! He seized the throne, he let the Jotuns walk in here!”

Thor sighed and put his hand on the blade.

“If he had meant harm, do you think you would still be standing here?” he asked earnestly.

Sif’s eyes widened and shot over to Loki, horrified. She knew now, she knew he could have killed her in many horrible ways since he’d arrived, she realized how dead she could have been. As she put the sword away a grin crept over his face.

“Brother, you came home…” Thor’s voice cracked.

“Now wait!” she shouted. “How can you welcome him back here?! Will you let him off that easy? After all he did?”

Thor made to protest but never got to it.

“Easy?” Loki asked, voice throbbing with anger, jaw clenched.

“You think I’ve had it ‘easy’ since disappearing?”

Suddenly his miserable current form became formidable and green fire seemed to roar in his eyes. Sif crawled back a bit, hoping she would be safe beside Thor.

“You have no idea what I went through while you all moved on! You couldn’t even imagine it!”

As a suffocating darkness came to gather both Thor and Sif had fear in their eyes.

“You are right she doesn’t, just calm down.” Thor spoke softly and stretched an arm to soothe him. Loki’s arm shot up and guarded him off.

“I have wished for death as it didn’t come at times while nobody knew I even still existed.”

“Asgard mourned for somebody who didn’t deserve it! That is all I know!”

 “If anyone had bothered but ask they had no need to mourn for they would have known I was alive!”

That comment was maybe fired against Thor rather than at Sif, but that was well beside the point now. He was too busy keeping the fire under his skin under control so he wouldn’t lash at anyone with it. It burned him from inside, begging to be used.

Thor stood a bit lost between them not knowing what to do.

“Talking about easy, you seemed to have no problems when Thor’s banishment lasted only three days. Three days for starting a possible war if I hadn’t been the more imminent problem.”

“Because Thor learned his lesson in those three days!”

“And now Loki has learned his.” Heimdall interrupted their fighting, seeing it was going the wrong way entirely. “We all make mistakes.”

They all fell quiet, Sif dared not make another comment. She wanted to, but she was too afraid of what Loki could do to her if she really crossed the line. Loki thanked Heimdall with a nod, the rage driven fire calmed in his veins slowly, too slowly. It smouldered in his body, ready to flare again if he would be challenged. The silence dragged and the tension didn’t ease the least, looks exchanged were only a few notches short of death-ray, although Loki’s looked slightly more lethal than Sif’s. Somebody had to interrupt but nobody could think of a way to lift the tension. Loki could try but Sif would take his every word to lash at him again, not matter the lethal consequences. Sif would not even try, she looked to leave, but seemed not to keen on turning her back on Loki as he looked at her like that. So the first to start talking was Thor.

“Please dearest Sif. Even I do not know all that Loki has experienced in the void, but I can tell that he is no longer the same person as he was before he fell.”

The woman was far from accepting that for an explanation.

“This will not stand Thor!” she shouted striding back to her horse on the bridge. “The people of Asgard will not understand your mad decision!”

She yanked at the leads and galloped away from the Bifrost. Loki stayed silent and stared at the ornate floors.  

“You came back.” Thor sighed happily and wrapped his arms around his brother.

“Thor, let me go!” Loki warned.

The blond god’s arms were almost too strong for him, his ribs protested.

“You will get blood on yourself.”

He freed one arm and used it as leverage to push his brother back. Thor looked disappointed, he wanted to hold him, but he nodded that he understood. Nevertheless he still looked genuinely happy.

“We should go, I have not brought a horse, I had no idea you would be back. Should I get one?”

Thor was all hyped up now. Loki gave him a thin smile before his face became grave again.

“I know you are happy but….” he sighed. “Sif is right about things too. Asgard will not like to see me return. I have made many people angry, I am still the enemy. And father and mother….”

He fell silent. He shrugged, not knowing what exactly to add.

“Loki, Asgard mourned for you remember? They cared.”

“Nonsense, they mourn out of respect. Because you mourned, because I was still the prince. Don’t you think that behind your back they drank to my death?”

Heimdall had long returned to his place on the bridge, giving them a sense of privacy.

“But I thought that they all…” Thor’s smile was gone now.

Loki cocked his head and let out a mirthless snicker.

“How naïve Thor. Believe me, Asgard was joyed when I disappeared, and they will be furious to hear I am not dead. They will demand me killed, publically…” he was going to add more to enforce his point but the words died on his tongue.

“Are you afraid that will happen?”

Loki snapped his head to Thor to throw back a sharp reaction but it didn’t make it out of his throat. He had begged for death on days, alone and forgotten as the Chitauri had almost broken his body and mind, but now, back home and with Thor on his side rather than against him he feared death again.

“Yes.” he whispered.

“Father will never let it happen brother. Not a man in Asgard will go against his judgement.”

“Judgement?”

“Father was the one who sent me to bring you home, he chose not to tell Asgard of the Chitauri and Midgard. He told me that he had seen all, that it had been enough. That you were to be imprisoned to come to your senses.”

Loki sighed, his bottom lip quivering from the emotion that rushed through him, such a childish reaction. His father knew, his father had seen. He had deemed it enough to be forgiven, so he had deemed it unfair. But then why hadn’t he done anything?

“Loki? What exactly did the Chitauri do to you? I mean, father ushered a few words but…”

 _Ushered a few words….._ Torture…. Pain….. So much pain….

Before he realized a tear escaped his supervision of composure.

“Not now…” he offered Thor for a weak answer.

And Thor understood, Loki could see anger and hopelessness boil behind those blue eyes, even a formidable rage that things happened would not be undone.

“Nobody will hurt you again.” Thor promised bitterly.

The look of determination said enough, it was a promise. Just as he had promised to stop him on Midgard, promised to protect the humans from harm.

Loki nodded.

“We should go. Mother has cried a lot for you. She wishes dearly to see you again.”

He walked to his horse on the bridge.

“You are welcome in Asgard brother.” he said. “Asgard only still has to realize that.”

Loki eyed the messy work on the clasps and buckles of the horses gear. He frowned as Thor got up and stretched out a hand to pull him up behind him. Saying they would have to share because he wasn’t prepared.

“Did you saddle that horse yourself?” he asked, pretty sure he knew the answer to that.

“Yes. Why?”

Loki chuckled, the heaviness of a minute ago slipping from his shoulders.

“Then I think I will rather just walk beside you.”

Thor retreated his hand. He looked confused at first, not understanding.

“You never really paid attention did you?”

The younger pointed at the twisted buckles connecting the leads. Thor’s ears flushed red, as did his cheeks.

“At least I made an attempt.” he defended.

He opened one of the saddle bags and threw a heap of fabric to Loki. It was a hooded cape.

“I use it to sneak out of the city unseen, I just figured you could use it, for now. And to cover, you know,” he gestured at the fur uneasily. “Yourself….”

Loki nodded and put the dark fabric over his shoulders. Thor handed him a simple pin to close it. He put the hood over his face and the two started walking. Nobody would know that it was Loki of Asgard that Thor escorted back to the magnificent city gates.

 


	4. White lies

Chapter 4: White lies.

 

Heading back to the large gates of Asgard happened in silence. Thor tried to make small talk about the other Avengers and their incomprehensible Midgardian habits but had trouble avoiding a few pitfalls when doing so. Besides, Loki wouldn’t talk back because he was afraid his voice would be recognized, even though they were alone on the bridge, nobody would hear them out there. They stopped at the golden slabs of metal. They made any man feel puny, yes even the hulk. They were massive, proud, truly fit as the only way in and out of Asgard. The only physical way in. Loki’s mind corrected him. He knew a few others, very few though and he was fairly sure he was the only one. The massive wall of gold was but interrupted by a seam that was not even big enough to fit a finger between. And then the real walls stretched onwards out of sight.

“You haven’t seen them for long, have you?” Thor concluded as he watched Loki brush his fingers over the strong surface.

Loki shook his head, he felt the scratches and dents that some enemies had made over the years, all they had ever managed.

“Not since I opened them to the Jotuns.” He stared at the rushing lights in the bridge under them, it seemed alive with power. Thor decided not to follow up on that subject though and instead give his brother a moment to adjust. One he used to fix his poor saddling work so that nobody else would have to see it. Loki looked past Thor to the houses built against the wall. The front doors of those houses were inside the walls, but some windows, canopies or walls stuck out on this side. Asgard was getting too large for itself, soon they would have to expand their walls outwards, otherwise things could get crowded.

“Thor? What are you doing out here? I thought you had your council meeting and…..- Hello, what do we have here?” Volstagg’s voice was loud as ever as he shouted at them from his canopy. He came rushing towards them over the small side road. 

“A guest Thor?” he preceded curiously. “Will there be a banquet? Because I could eat a horse!”

Even though his beard and moustache were covering his face Loki could see how his mouth already curled up in a broad smile at the thought. Loki snickered, one track minded man Volstagg.

“I am terribly sorry. Where are my manners? Lord Volstagg ‘the lion of Asgard’. With whom do I have the honour of speaking?”

A quick bow he made left him unable to see the panicked gaze on Thor’s face as his mind raced for people Loki could impersonate.

“I’m afraid I cannot give you a name. I am a supervisor you may say, I keep track of the frost giants on Jotunheim. I am here to report back to the Allfather.” Loki’s voice was morphed to become unrecognizable as he forged his lie as quick as he always had been able to do. Thor blinked a few times, leaving him looking like a true idiot.

“Yes,” he eventually jumped in. “I was to be present at the Bifrost to make sure no frost giants would attempt to make it in via the gate.”

“Yes, you cannot be careful enough with those vile treacherous-”

“Anyway,” Thor interrupted. “We must hurry along a bit if you would excuse us.”

Volstagg nodded and knocked on the gates. The little houses on the outside of the wall were protected with spells, one could not enter them from that side, if you left you had to enter by using the main gate again. It made it impossible for enemies to breach through the wall that way.

The gates creaked open as the Asgardian palace guards pushed them aside. They politely greeted their prince and Volstagg and demanded their companion’s identity, but this time they stuck with Loki’s lie and Volstagg even jumped in, because Volstagg always had to talk along with everything. 

Loki’s eyes darkened slightly. If only they knew what they were really letting in to Asgard right there. They passed the gates without a hitch. Thor gave his horse to one of the servants and ordered him to return it to the stables. Volstagg stood a little lost, too curious to just run off, but nothing in his mind to bring up. Loki would let him dwell in it, maybe laugh at him.

“We will speak later Volstagg.” Thor urged. “I have other business to attend to as you see.”

Well, that was almost disappointing, Thor didn’t even let it get to Volstagg bringing up the weather just to talk.

“I understand. But tell the old man to throw a feast Thor! It has been too long!” the large man spoke as he took a turn for another road. 

The blond god raised a hand to show he had heard it. Together with Loki he followed the main road through the city, cutting through the housings straight to the palace’s entrance. The sea rushed against the outer walls and between the rocks upon which Asgard was built. It was silent, silent as the grave.

“You are still a quick liar.” Thor’s voice sounded both factual as somewhat regretting.

“Well of course,” Loki answered vexed. “I haven’t been living under a rock.”

“Isn’t living in caves living between rocks?”

“Shut up. I wasn’t always as alone on Jotunheim as you think. I got to talk with…. Others… Just every now and then.” 

_Others I wished weren’t there. I wished would just go and leave me to die instead of these days of pain._ It was best if Thor didn’t know that, given that the Allfather hadn’t told him of it either. Probably for a reason.

“We could stop by the market, if you feel hungry or…. you know?”

Thor gestured at his bare feet.

“Wish for boots?” Loki finished the sentence unspoken. “Why would I want clothes? I have plenty, in my room. Or did my room get cleaned out?”

“No. Father had ordered it after a year had passed, but mother burst out in tears all over again and I would not let anybody with the task to remove your things pass the doors.”

Loki smiled faintly. If Thor hadn’t been protective he still had wards, spells, set on several items. But spells could be broken.

“Thank you.” he said instead.

“We are in Asgard now, nobody would see us, you could take off the cape now.”

Thor changed subject again. The trickster stiffened.

“I will not.”

“But you cannot hide under it forever.”

“I am not hiding!” he hissed.

“I’m sorry. I only meant that you must go without it sooner or later.”

“I know Thor. But I would rather have that be later.”

Thor turned and took one of his hands in his, as he always did when he prepared for a mood-lifting attempt to his brother. But no words came. Instead his brow furrowed in a mix of mostly confusion and a tad of worry. The edges around Loki’s nails were red and ragged, framed by ridges of rusty brown. His nails were thin like paper. His skin also seemed paler to Thor than before. He hadn’t seen it before, not on Jotunheim because he had barely even recognized his brother to begin with, because he hadn’t been Aesir then.

“Brother? Are you well?”

Loki seemed to realize what he was referring to for he jerked his hand back quickly and straitened his back, he had always had that tendency when feeling weak strangely enough.

“Of course I am fine. Ice hasn’t ever harmed me.”

Thor eyed his brother’s covered face worriedly.

“I just wondered….”

“Don’t worry Thor. There is nothing, nothing.” he put assurance behind those words, because he didn’t want Thor to look at him like he was mortally injured or severely ill. Those blue eyes begging to let him help him, to just let him in.

“I am just tired. And I feel filthy…”

The last two things were true, he was also hungry, starving even, cold and weary, not to forget living in a state of mild paranoia thanks to the Chitauri that were very much keeping to their promise of finding him absolutely anywhere. But they hadn’t ‘visited’ him in a few weeks. He was hopeful now, that it was over.

“If you say so I will believe it.” Thor decided.

Thor leaded him off the road to the side road. Loki followed, slightly thrown off. He had already seen the familiar gates dawning between the housings, the statues supporting the covered bridge. Instead they trailed the swirly road that moved around the palace courtyard’s wall. 

“Where are we going?” he asked, not meaning for the weary tone of his words.

“We use the back gate. Go in through the gardens. I thought you would prefer so.”

Thor only meant to get him in quietly, no conspiracies here, there never were.

“Yes I would.”

The blond god took a turn and followed the dead end alley to the modest gate there. A well-crafted fencing framed the small gate at both sides, there were two guards at watch there. 

“Good day prince Thor. What brings you here?”

Thor chose to keep in line with Loki’s lie.

“I need you to keep a secret for me.” he started.

“This man is one of the Allfather’s espionage elites. We cannot just walk him in through the main gate. Too many eyes, too many questions. We want to pass here, please?”

“Yes of course. Our lips are absolutely sealed.”

One of them twisted the key swiftly and pulled the golden door aside. The luscious green of Asgard’s garden greeted them as if it told them to just step in and be swallowed by it. Loki instead looked upwards to the higher towers and to one in particular, the one looking out on these very same gardens, his room.

“We really haven’t touched anything.”  Thor spoke in promise.

“You better not, spells in that room would have fried any hands daring to handle items.”

Thor blinked twice, that stupid face coming to his features again, surprise. Then he laughed.

“I should have known. So like you.” 

Loki turned his head away. Like him, Thor barely knew him, he never knew him. Not in all these years had he paid enough attention to know him. He held a grudge against it, and he always would. The fact that Thor wanted to change that pleased him but didn’t wipe all those years of his memory. A tree caught his eye. A very familiar one. It was many times larger than when he had last sat under it, fighting tears because he was too proud to allow crying. But it still had the distinctive curl in its crust that he had made practicing magic once. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Thor asked, already making half apologies.

“No.” Loki settled for. “I just missed Asgard. Believe it or not.”

It fell uncomfortably silent again.

Loki got wet feet from the soil under them. It had probably been raining. The whole ground was soggy and the grass glistened with water. It was warm though, pleasantly warm. The sun cast golden light through leafs and trees and birds hummed. There were no birds on Jotunheim, no chirping ones that was. If there had been, they wouldn’t have reached over the howling winds anyway. 

“I gather you would like to wash yourself before you meet with father and mother, and change clothes.” 

The blond god held one of the doors to the palace open for him.

“Meet with father and mother?” he asked weakly.

“Yes, they would want to see you. They have missed you.”

“But, I cannot face them,” he breathed in half a laugh. “I cannot stand their gazes. Please Thor, don’t ask that of me.”

“I do ask it of you. You must, mother has been in pain without you. You must not keep them waiting.”

“Will you go with me?” Loki asked pleadingly. “At least be at my side….”

“I will.” Thor put a hand on his shoulder, but pulled it away again with a disgusted face. 

“These clothes are very filthy.” he stated the obvious. “I cannot believe you wear this.”

“I wear this because it may not be classy, it’s at least above fully naked. And also warmer, if not by much.”

“It smells…”

“I KNOW Thor.” he snapped at him.

His words echoed out in the hallway. The hallway, a roof, walls, windows, doors. Other people, people that he knew, Aesir people.

“Sorry.” Thor’s voice was small.

Just a few people turned their heads towards them. They simply greeted Thor with a polite nod and continued their business.

“But you won’t need them anymore, let’s focus on that.”

Loki nodded, barely paying attention. He was looking out over the golden halls in front of him. He knew these faces, he had lived here. He knew what was behind each door, almost all of them. He was home, the place he had missed more than he would ever admit out loud. The golden welcoming glow radiated warmth and wealth. It made him doubly aware suddenly of his chilly skin, the tired muscles everywhere, of the sticky feeling of sweaty fur against his body. He did need that bath.

“You still know the way? To your room?”

Loki cocked his head in annoyance.

“Of course I do. My brain didn’t freeze away Thor. It hasn’t been that long either.”

Again that horrible puppy look that was not fit for a warrior or a king came to Thor’s face.

“It was too long for me….” he whispered.

The trickster opened his mouth to answer but his mind couldn’t muster up anything to say to Thor.

“I will come to your room when I am done. I cannot set a time- frame on cleaning this mess off me.”

The blond god smiled, he thought it funny apparently that he looked like a barbarian.

“I will wait for you there.”

“Good.”

He turned to the nearby staircase that spiralled up the tower. He had set only two steps as Thor again put a hand on his shoulder, careful to grab to the mantle instead of the fur.

“Please promise me that you will not try to leave again.” 

_Leave again?_ Were they going to lock him up again? Would they allow him to look a little less savage when they led him before his father and mother so he could return to this dark lonely chamber far under the palace, and even under the dungeons of Asgard. Thor seemed to notice his interpretation.

“Your sentence is served. I only meant that I wanted you to remain at my side. Brothers, as we should have been, from now on…”

Loki understood. But that grudge, that anger that wasn’t at the surface but tugged at his heart deep inside wouldn’t let him answer that with a plain yes. Thor hadn’t deserved yes quite yet, but had done enough to prevent a no.

“I will try.” 

It was enough for Thor, so it seemed, he let him go and nodded slowly.

“Take your time.” 

It was a double meaning, take his time to forgive him as much as to simply take his time to clean.

He turned to the staircase now and headed up into the tower, paying no attention to the other closed doors he passed along the way. Eventually he pushed one of the doors open and stepped out into a hallway identical to the one downstairs. Higher up now the sun shone in under another angle, giving the hallway an even lighter glow, it was almost blindingly bright on some of the edges of windows. He made to go to the smaller set of stairs to the top room of the tower, his own. Somebody put a heavy hand on his shoulder, not Thor. He almost jumped from his skin and had to swallow back a yelp, how damn pathetic.

“Has Prince Thor left you to your own devices? Some manners.” 

It was Volstagg, stupid nosy man.

“Should I lead you to your room instead?”

“No, thank you.” he morphed his voice again, hoping the annoyed snarl would not shine through as much as it felt to him. “Prince Thor gave me fairly clear instructions.”

“Are you sure? Because I could give you a tour of the palace.”

“I have already seen the palace many times.” he sighed vexed.

“So you are a palace resident then?”

“Yes, I worked at court before this became my job.”

“What did you do for living then? Did we meet before?”

All these damn questions, curse this man and his curiosity.

“I cannot tell you if I want to stay if I want my identity to stay hidden.”

“So we did know each other?”

“Volstagg!!!!!” a voice bellowed, a certain lady’s voice.

His face paled, _oh god, not now._

“Dear Sif, please remember you are still a lady.” Volstagg joked nervously.

Nobody liked to have a raging Sif call out to them.

“Don’t humour me! Thor has gone insane! Have you seen what he let in to Asgard?!”

“Oh?  But, he is a spy from our side Sif. He works for the Allfather.”

“What spy? What nonsense are you talking?”

“Thor’s guest. The spy from Jotunheim. Help me explain.” 

He addressed his last plea to Loki. Sif’s eyes snapped to the hooded figure. 

“Volstagg, step aside. He is not a spy.” she drew her sword.

“Sif, Sif easy. Please, he can’t just tell everyone you’re a spy.”

The woman’s gaze shifted to his bare feet, now she was certain.

“Take off the cape.” she ordered.

“His identity must stay hidden Sif. What is your problem?” 

Volstagg was defending him, he was so ignorant.

“Well, we can keep a secret.”

“Sif! What IS your problem?!”

“He is! He is a liar. He is not a spy of Asgard you simple minded swine!”

She quickly sliced the sword through the fabric next to the mantle pin. The fabric separated and gravity peeled the safe layer of cloth from Loki’s body before he could grab it.

“Your spell on Thor is good. But you didn’t think I would just let you walk around here now, did you?”

Her voice was triumphant and sneering. Loki’s eyes were wide, but not as wide as Volstagg’s. His eyes were slid open so far they could fall out of their sockets.

“By Odin’s beard….” he stared at him. “The void…. Here?....... Not dead?” 

“Yes Volstagg. The greatest traitor Asgard will ever know, here and alive and probably hoping to pull of some scheme again.” she pointed her sword at him again.

“And now Thor will not protect you. What will you do now?”

Loki’s eyes shot from place to place nervously. Why wouldn’t she just leave him alone? He couldn’t hurt her. He didn’t mean for it and there were too many others that would see, who he would have to hurt too, which he also didn’t mean for. But she would hurt him, kill him. He could see it in her eyes. That confidence and half madness. Only one option then. He let out a nervous chuckle and bolted, shooting up the staircase as swift as he could without stumbling. Sif stared for a moment. He had run, that filthy coward had run. 

“Come back here you snake!” she roared loud enough for a man to be proud of it.

She put her sword away and pursued him. 

Volstagg was left standing in the hall. He was mind blown, he had no idea what to think of it. Was this real or just a bad piece of meat processed in his blood? Was that pathetic filthy barbarian the second prince of Asgard? What in the heavens was happening?

“So, no banquet?” he called after Sif even though she was long out of sight.

 


	5. Not only clothes make a man

Chapter 5: Not only clothes make a man.

 

 

Loki threw the door to his room back in its hinges and pushed his back against it. His breath was rapid from running and adrenaline. He heard Sif’s heels go by his room without slowing. Apparently she thought he had run elsewhere, to Thor’s room perhaps. He let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and a wheeze of a laugh. Laughing at himself. He had run out of all things, ran away from a single person. It was idiotic, and downright sad for someone of his stature. _You have no stature._ His mind was swift to correct that thought. For a man that once had such stature then. He lowered his gaze from the ceiling to look out into his room. It was like Thor had said, nothing had been touched. Dust lay on things in a grey blanket, nothing had been touched, not even for a bit of cleaning. The covers of his bed still lay on a heap as he had left them when he had woken up from that restless nightmare that had become truth by the end of that day. Like he had woken up that very morning instead of some three years ago. He moved one of the pillows aside, leaving a white void in the grey with his fingers. He sighed in relief as he saw the small leather bound notebook under it. It was still there. He took it from its place and sagged on the dusty bed, a small cloud fluttered through the air.   

He could see his own footsteps as voids too, leading to the bed. His eyes went back to the book. The pages parted with groans. The pages were old, fragile, ages old. He had gotten it as a teenager, ages back. Over the years his handwriting had become smaller, gained elegance. The words in the book were nonsense to the untrained eye, unknown syllables. They were spells, spells in languages that not a man could speak. The first page however, was not reserved for his writing. Most of the page was empty. In the middle a single line was written in heavy big letters. 

“Because even a sorcerer forgets things.” Thor had written.

It had been a small gesture, a small book, a single sentence written in it, nothing more. But it was his dearest possession, it had been since he had gotten it. He smiled faintly. He placed the booklet back under his pillow and walked to the large window that stretched over the entire wall across the door. The sun pooled in with golden rays. He looked down at the garden through which they had passed minutes ago. Now the palace guard stood on the field, preparing for evaluation. He folded his hands behind his bare back and followed the general with his eyes as he passed by the row of soldiers in line-up eyeing them sharply. They had no idea he was watching from his room up in the tower. He opened the small slit above the large window and flicked his index finger once. The dust rose in a cloud from the room and obediently moved out of the room through the small opening. As it had passed outside he closed the slit again, it was still relatively cold up high. He turned around again. Without the heavy blanket of dust the floor gleamed again. 

The smooth marble reflected the gold of the sun on its white surface. Compared to Thor’s room his was very sober, Thor tended to keep every war trophy and piece of junk he had ever gotten in his life, he had stalled them out in his room in a way that balanced on the edge of chaos. The most impressive feature to his room was the bookcase. Stretching out over the length of the wall behind his bed. A wall of knowledge he had built over the ages. The books came from many corners of the Nine Realms. His love for knowledge was much known among their allies. So whenever councillors would come to visit they would bring gifts of good will in the form of a book from their libraries and most times a weapon of some sorts for Thor. The most common subjects were spells, history, myths, traditions, sometimes they were just stories. Under the rows of shelves stood his bed. It was large enough to share with one if he wanted. He had once. But he was alone now.  

Thor had the same one. He would sleep in it when it stormed, once when they were still children. He absolutely hated storms. When it felt as if the roofs would be torn away by the raging winds he needed to make sure he wasn’t alone. Thor would always rumble in disapproval but he never made him leave. In time he had grown up and felt he couldn’t rely on Thor like that anymore. But he still hated them, storms made him sleep uneasily. He fell back on the matrass with a groan. He was tired, the moment his back hit the bed it coaxed him to stay down and fall asleep, and just forget about everyone and everything. 

He couldn’t do that though.  He propped himself up against his pillow and looked out over his room. The wall facing his bookcase was interrupted by a passage to the baths. Now that he thought of it, he needed a bath. He watched the closet siding the passage at the right. Clean clothes. He really needed clean clothes.  The smell of dead animal was overwhelmingly dreadful now that he actually had the time to notice it.  He sat up and brushed his hair straight, it was so greasy that he actually preferred not touching it at all. And it was long, he thought disapprovingly. Much too long. Even at Midgard it hadn’t been that ridiculously long. It was matted and really needed a pair of scissors strong enough to cut through that mess.  He snorted, he was glad that there was no mirror around, he looked like a savage. He had only caught glimpses of his own face since he had escaped, in water puddles or clear ice. But he could tell he was far from who he used to be by the way Thor had looked at him. 

He needed to civilize himself, most definitely. He stood up from his bed and walked to the closet. With a yank he pulled the leather cord that held the fur around his shoulders in place out of the hide. It slipped from his shoulder and flopped on the shiny floor. It left a ghosting feeling of dirt on his torso. Small hairs stuck to his shoulders caught in sweat that had half dried and mixed with other dirt. His back felt like it was covered in grime. The cord had once been in his hair when he had fled, keeping his hair from a deep cut in his neck, which he had caused himself in a less thoughtful attempt to escape. The patch around his waist had no luxury of that to keep things in place. He had used a sharpened bone and stuck it through the hides. He wiggled it out of place and felt the weight fall from his hips, the same feeling of grime stayed behind.  The smell of decay that came up from the pile of fur almost made him gag. He had been walking around in that. He kicked the pile away to a far corner, hoping it would not decide to walk away on its own. Another flick of a finger and it combusted in flames out of nothing. It smelled bad but didn’t stink as much as the fur itself. He watched it incinerate on the floor until the flame died out.  He turned his gaze away from the smouldering ashes and stepped around the corner of the passage. 

The water was still there, the continuous flow of water being pumped in and filtered away had never stopped. Some waste of water he thought.  The tiles that covered the floor and sides of the deep bath waved underwater. He only vaguely noticed the transition from marble to sandstone. The Allfather had told him that the floors in the baths had also once been polished marble. But it had made for some rather undignified accidents throughout the palace, so they had opted for a less slippery form of flooring. He looked at the clear warm water in the sunken bath in the middle of the room. It looked so inviting, it held the promise of a long lost comfort. But first he turned to a shelf right around the corner. It was stocked with a series of crystal phials, small and filled with differently coloured liquids, scents. He needed that now, most definitely. Where he would usually keep to a few drops to just wash away the smell of a night of sleep he now had quite a stink to beat so he just emptied it into the water, where the colour dissolved into nothing. He slipped into the water with a splash, a lot less elegant than he would normally. But his muscles were so stiff and tired that he couldn’t bring himself to actually bother. 

The warmth of the water wrapped around him like a soothing blanket, loosening the tight coil his muscles had been in to protect him from the cold. The fresh scent was so strong it was almost burning in his nostrils, but he really couldn’t be bothered because it smelled good, and he could still smell the stink of decay through it. He rested his head back against the edge of the floor and closed his eyes. The water rocked back and forth against his neck, lazily and rhythmic. It was soothing and warm. The tips of his hair floated around his neck like a raven black stain in the water. He threw his head back farther into the water to clean out the grease in his hair, combing his wet fingers through it, before resting his head against the edge again, the wet weight of his hair pulled at his skull, but in a pleasant way, not like the tangles of hair had pulled at his head from being so tightly woven together. But despite all the warmth around him he felt just a hint of chill on his throat, it was familiar, it felt like…. Steel. 

His eyes snapped open, his mind cursing him for being so darn slow. But he was just looking up to the ceiling above him, the feeling was gone too. Was his head playing tricks on him? His eyes darted around the room, but as he half expected already there were no assassins with blades sitting ducks near him. He placed his hands behind him and heaved himself out of the water, stretching out backwards to look through the passage, just to see his room was empty, as he knew it would be, but he needed the assurance somehow. It was silent, the only sound coming from the continuous flow of water. Yet he could almost feel eyes prying in his back. He felt the air coming from the open window brush over his skin gently, like a thin blanket around his shoulders. But, that could not be, the window had been closed. He snapped his head backwards. The small window, high up the back wall was fully opened, the air flooding in from outside. He stood up and closed it again, it was cold now. He would have sworn it was closed when he came in, or maybe it hadn’t, he doubted it, he had a very clear judgement usually. But windows hardly opened themselves, they did not in Asgard he was fairly sure. 

He felt bare suddenly, he hated doubting his own judgement, if he couldn’t trust himself any more than who could he rely on? He shook his head, there was nothing there, and if there was it wouldn’t scare him. He sniffed his wrist, he could still smell dead animal on himself. At least his skin had softened, it had grown so rough from the ice and cutting winds, or the scraping of cave floors for that matter. He threw one last suspicious look into the bedroom before he lowered himself back into the water, letting his body soak in more of the pleasant scent around him. He would stay there for an hour if he could, just to make sure. But he knew Thor was waiting. Probably fidgeting with stuff in his room just for the sake of keeping busy. He wouldn’t come to his room to ask if he would please come out, not to make him feel pressured to hurry. But he knew that Thor would still pace around impatiently, because he hated waiting more than anything. 

Besides, he pretended to push it away, but the sense of paranoia lingered in the back of his mind. And he couldn’t shake it off either. With a reluctant sigh he pushed himself up on the ledge again. His legs remained in the water, it was a whole lot harder than it should be to sway them up and put his weight on them again, as if he didn’t want to part with the warm water ever again. He took a towel from the shelf beneath the phials, soft cloth, fuzzy and warm. He dried all excess water off his body quickly and put the now damp towel around his hips. He opened a drawer of the cabinet under the shelves and roamed between the bandages in them because there had to be a pair of scissors there that he would use for cutting the bandages to the right size. His fingers found the cool steel of them pressed against the left corner. He checked it with one look. They sure weren’t the sharpest he could find, but he found himself too lazy to roam around his room for others. He grabbed his wet hair together in one hand and snipped it off with one cut. The locks fell on the floor behind his feet. Thanking the fact that he could do this without any help he cut the rest back more neatly. He stopped when he could only just feel the tips tickling against his collarbones and shoulders. Better, much better, he thought when he glanced at the mirror once. He could pass as civilized now, even though he still had haunted eyes, dark shades around them, the bones more prominent now that he had lost weight. But he was getting there, slowly. 

He turned back into his room and grabbed some clothes from the closet. The leather of his vest crackled under his fingers. He had missed the smell of leather, earthy and deep. Dead animal too, but so much better, almost…. Blissful even. He quickly dressed himself because he wasn’t getting any warmer walking around in just a towel.  The feel of fabric actually covering all of him had almost become alien as a feeling. The reassuringly tight feeling of knee high boots made him feel much more secure as if half his honour had been in these clothes. The vest was a lot looser around the waist than he remembered, but he hadn’t been able to count all of his ribs before either for that matter. He pulled at the cord in the side of it and it closed tighter. The moss green tunic crooked at under the sturdy leather. The high collar brushed against his cheek as he turned his face to keep eyes on tying a quick knot in the cord. He did feel a whole lot safer now, as if his clothes were armour. The only armour to be found however were the two bronze braces clasped around the sleeves of his tunic, grabbing his wrists in a way that made them feel much stronger than without. He straightened his back as he stood up from putting on boots and brushed over the leather of his vest, he was home now. 

“Don’t get too comfortable….” he heard a voice say behind him. 

His head snapped around so quickly he almost pulled a muscle, he spun on his heels to find the room again, just empty. His heart pounded as fears, memories, flashed through his head. Therefore it took him a moment to realize it came from the other end of the door. 

“I know you’re in there!” Sif yelled.

It was Sif, just Sif. She had finally put one and one together. 

“You may have found a way to trick Thor. Maybe you will succeed to trick Asgard. But you will not avoid punishment, because I swear I will make sure hell will come to you!”

He let out a faint chuckle and turned to the door, imagining her face red with anger as it probably was behind the door.

“Do try Sif. But I must remind you. Hel is my daughter, so I dare say that she is more likely to strike you than me. Don’t you think?”

It was silent for a minute, he imagined Sif was searching for words at that, her face even more flustered and frustrated. Probably wondering where his fright went. 

“Just be warned you snake!”

She shouted and pounded against the door once before her footsteps disappeared in angry thuds. Loki smirked, he had actually missed doing that. Setting angry people off even more was fun as long as you were well out of reach.  Still he felt a slight wave of shame. The fears had to stop, he couldn’t jump at everything or he would go mad. The Chitauri were not in Asgard, they never were and he had to be done with them. 

He waited for a moment to make sure that he wouldn’t accidently run into Sif again, that could make things go ugly. The first thing he noticed when stepping out into the hallways however was the absolute silence. They were empty, deserted even. But he had caught a few words from Sif and Volstagg about council meetings, he guessed that kept most busy. People like Volstagg and Sif considered those meetings genuinely useless. They would just listen to the briefing later, so it was no surprise that they walked around here still. Same went for Thor, he would die of boredom if he had to spent more than an hour in such a meeting. He turned his gaze to the right, Thor’s room was down the hallway, up the very same small type stairs as towards his own room. They both had tower rooms, Thor because he could safely practice with thunder and lightning up there, Loki loved that it was quiet up there. At least he didn’t have to worry of being seen on his way there. Absentminded he was already halfway down the hallway, then he felt a tingle in his stomach, a slight nausea. He wasn’t nervous, he knew nobody would see him, knew he had nothing to fear of Thor. His stomach seemed to contract more painfully. He gasped as an invisible force seemed to compress everything inside him. It wasn’t normal nausea for sure. His vision tilted dangerously. He stopped walking and put a hand against the wall, his fingers tingled numbly. The nausea worsened to the point of making him wrap his free hand around his insides. His vision was steadily going blurry, black spots coming in from the sides. It was as if, he was losing control of his body.

“Please do not resist us…” a ghostly whisper said. “…. That could make things highly unpleasant.”

His eyes that were little short of blind now widened, because he knew that voice. He was on his knees now that his legs had given like a pair of twigs. Taking air to his lungs was hard. The Chitauri could get to him, they would separate his soul from his body, it had happened several times on Jotunheim too, but that had been weeks ago. He tried to cling on desperately, scream for Thor to help him. But what could Thor even do? Breathing became even harder and his head begged to be given some oxygen. And then slowly he felt the last bit of him slip and he was lost again in the nothingness he wished he never had to see again.

 


	6. Just talk...

Chapter 6: Just talk…

 

When he felt presence again Loki refused to open his eyes, or to move from his curled position. He knew where he was, what waited. He just refused to acknowledge that it was actually happening, again. Asgard was supposed to finally be safe…. To be a haven from them. They weren’t supposed to get to him there. He let out shaky breaths.

“Now, now… where did your pride go? There is no need to be afraid…. Not yet.”

The Other’s voice, he had learned to know it blindly once. There had been a day when they had taken him from Jotunheim. Then they had dripped a stinking acid in his open eyes. It had burned and burned and they hadn’t allowed him to close his eyes again until his sight had been completely burned away. It had taken days to heal, weeks maybe, he couldn’t tell light from dark that time. The memory made his heart pound again. The hopeless darkness, relying on just his other senses for what they were worth. He bit on his lip, never again. He wouldn’t go through it again. He pushed the fear inside back and sat up from the ground, he was in control now. He eyed the creature with the deepest hatred he could find. Fury was the easiest way to cover for fear. And fear was there, because if they could get to him in Asgard than there would be no place where they couldn’t get to him. It meant he would never be safe from them and he hated not having a solution for problems.

“There you are. We have some talking to do…” the Other said with a smile as filthy as its teeth.

“You never talk.” he hissed. “You threaten and you hurt, never talk.”

He crouched together in an attempt to cover his weak spots, his vital organs, the places that would hurt the most. It was useless, but instinctive. If the Chitauri planned on hurting him they would, simple as that. It had been that simple from the start and he didn’t see why it would have changed. The creature snorted, gripping a nearby rock almost compulsively.

“How unkind of you. If you just say what we would like you to say then why would we hurt you? Don’t you find that illogical?”

The grin widened. Loki wished to smash its teeth out and make sure it couldn’t ever grin or smile again. But he held no such ability so he just gave it the darkest look the trickster had ever given and willed the Other dead in silence. 

“Then talk…” he spoke with angered voice.

The anger boiling inside was driven by utter hopelessness, he was angry with himself for being so powerless, for being so _weak._ Like when his father reprimanded him as a child, when all of Asgard mocked his children, including his own brother. If that anger would snap inside, he would lash out, murder, do irrational things that scared even himself. It came with the most horrid consequences, the death of Baldur, nearly killing Thor, madness. But this, this was even worse. Because even lashing out would not help him, would not change anything. The Chitauri could shield themselves from his magic, cast it back at him even. He held no power to them. The Other kneaded the rock under its hands as it started to speak. 

“We gave you back to your family. We lifted the shrouding spells that left you untraceable for them. We would like you to pay for this kind gesture… with a gift of Asgard.”

Loki narrowed his eyes. _They had allowed him to be found._ That was why nobody had come before, not after falling into the void, not after escaping. They couldn’t find him. While he squirmed in pain, Odin Allfather, the almighty king of Asgard could only watch and do nothing. He had been powerless. That was why things were kept quiet, admitting that Loki could not be found was admitting that something mastered magic better than his. 

“All I will ever bring you from Asgard is its executioner to grand you a quick death.” he spat to the Other. 

The grin faded from its eyeless face. They had needed him for the Tesseract, he knew it was what they wanted, they would let him back to Asgard so he would be near it to retrieve it for them. But this time, this time they could try their worst, he would not get it for them. His mind could shatter into so many pieces that it would never mend again but he would not give Asgard’s most powerful weapon to these filthy rats. 

“Some words from Asgard’s little prince…” the Other sneered, clearly not impressed.

Loki watched as it moved to stand in front of him. These things didn’t deserve the Tesseract, didn’t deserve a living body, a sun to warm their twisted ugly faces on. They deserved only the deepest darkness of a god-forgotten corner of Hell. 

“You ruined it yourselves.” he breathed angrily. “You can forget the Tesseract because you will never gaze on it again!”

The Other bent over, face inches away from him.

“We gave you an army.”

“You gave me nothing. That army wasn’t mine. I wasn’t ‘fit’ to lead it for you until you had almost broken me to a puppet. Only to get you that damned cube!”

The echo died away into the emptiness around them, this abandoned rocky planet. 

“You fed off my grudges for your own good. But once you let Thor get me back, you lost.” he sounded a lot more determined than he actually felt. “All you may have is war. And you will lose again like on Midgard. But this time we will not leave a soul alive.”

Wishful thinking, but he would do anything to make it the truth, if he could. 

“We will break you again.” The smug mask of the Other twisted to a sadistic grin. “We will take your soul and rip it apart, destroy your body, we will make you a puppet again! But this time you will end like no more than a broken doll. Your mind will be nothing! You will be nothing!”

Loki’s lips thinned and staring back coldly became hard. Because how could he not remember how long it had taken to piece the little bits of will he had together again on Midgard. To find courage to decide for himself again, it had taken much longer than the physical wounds. His skin had mended long before that. He had endured it on Jotunheim for it seemed useless, they had wanted nothing of him to make the burning stop.

“We can see to it that you will not even recognize your family, that you can’t discern friend from foe. You will know only pain and learn to be obedient to those that hurt you like an animal. You will murder your family without remorse for you will not recognize their faces even as they lay dying.” the words cut deep inside him, the stinking breath brushed over his face. He felt sickened, the way it spoke of these things, so genuine. It enjoyed knowing that it was true, that it could make its words truth. The darkest corner of his mind opened to him and whispered a solution. He would get them their Tesseract, he would have their greed be their downfall. He would put hell, destruction and death in the illusion of their precious weapon and it would wipe the Chitauri from the universe. Justice served, and they would be lucky with such swift deaths. His eyes darkened with near madness. So it would be done. 

“I don’t believe you…” he said with a feigned wince.

He put just enough of a shiver in his words to give the Other the idea that his façade was crumbling. It greedily picked up on the fear it thought to sense.

“Surely you must know by now what we are capable of… You never had a choice.”

It grabbed a fine long needle from its garments.

“But if you wish I could give you proof.” 

He eyed the steel as it moved to nudge against his jugular.

“No.” he breathed nervously. “I wish you to die as slowly and painfully as one can.”

He took a breath to threaten it more but choked on it as a sharp pain ripped through his stomach. His eyes widened as he crawled backwards instinctively. The Other twisted it once, pushing it deeper into his flesh. Loki let out chokes and gasps, his muscles pulled at the lean needle frantically, his magic flooded to it to push it out. The Other stepped away contently. Loki whimpered as his fingers found the cool steel and jerked it out of the wound.  His breaths were too shaky, too shallow to satisfy his lungs. His soul was much more sensitive to pain than his body back on Asgard. His body had hardened in the experience of it, his soul was based on more basic senses. It was like standing near fire without clothes, it scorched much more easily. 

“Bring us the Tesseract. Be wise.”

“Never!” he clenched his hand around the puncture wound, despite the pain he had to play this right, he couldn’t let them have suspicions.

“You would have more of this? You would let us rip that skin until you have none left? Would you really have your mind and body broken for a weapon you care not for?”

He sat up straight again, ignoring the sharp sear it caused.

“I care not for the Tesseract. I merely have a problem with the fact that you want it. You deserve not even a glance on it. You are not worth it.”

“How foolish Asgardian. You will reconsider. I will show you my good will. You get three days to contemplate. Make a wise decision for I will not have patience forever!”

Its hand struck him hard in his face. As he fell back the world around him imploded on him. His ears rang with a high pitched screech that seemed to come from his skull. It split his skull as unbearable as it was. He could not breathe and he would suffocate if he didn’t inhale air anytime soon. But he couldn’t find how. How did one breathe?  He felt sudden warmth reach him, it was a hand on his shoulder, gently but desperately shaking his body. He remembered, his eyes snapped open, still blind and he inhaled life to his body with a deep suck of air.

“Loki! Come on.”

Thor’s voice echoed through the fading screeching. His soul slowly knitted to his body again, light flooded back to his eyes as he blinked several times. Thor’s hand shifted from his shoulder to his back to help him roll on his side. 

“You’re bleeding. I will get a healer. Don’t move.” he sounded panicked.

“Thor?” he mumbled. 

His ears finally stopped ringing and the blurs started to fade from his eyes.

“No healer…” he spoke hoarsely.

His throat was dry and ragged. Thor turned around and walked back as he heard Loki talk, kneeling in front of him again.

“No healer? But you are wounded, there’s blood all over you!”

He managed to get up on his elbow. 

“It’s only a small injury.” he tried to sound ensuring but his voice was still hoarse and he burst out coughing. “Just get me out of the hall.”

Thor nodded and grabbed his arm by the wrist.  His other hand secured behind his back as Thor pulled him up. He barely managed to stand on his feet and winced at the ache in his stomach. Thor all but dragged him the last few feet to his room and pushed the door open. He helped Loki move to his bed and lowered him there. He crashed down on it on his back and only barely made the effort to pull his legs on the matrass as well. He saw Thor leave his vision for a short moment before returning to hover over him.

“What happened? Did Sif attack you?”

He felt Thor’s fingers tug at the buttons of his vest frantically. His hand was heavy as he brushed them away.

“I’m fine. It’s not a large wound Thor.” he didn’t answer his brother’s questions with that. 

He pushed himself up against the pillow with his elbow and looked at Thor’s face, he was clearly worried, eyeing the darker stain on his vest with sorry eyes.

Loki avoided his gaze again and undid the buttons himself. The tunic under it was stained brown-red with blood across his stomach. It was wet and warm and stuck to his chest. Thor seemed to twitch at the sight, protectiveness renewed. 

“I never saw anybody in the hallway. I just heard you scream and I saw all the blood and I… I was afraid when you didn’t breathe…..” his blue eyes filled with tears. “What happened?”

Loki stretched a hand to comfort Thor, swallowing around the lump in his throat. 

“Don’t cry I’m fine. It just looks bad. I….” he couldn’t say he never saw the person either, the wound in his stomach proved that his attacker was facing him when stabbing him. He slipped his hand of Thor’s leaving a bloody smear on it. His brother looked at it with a sense of horror before wiping it on his trousers. Loki stalled from giving an explanation, pulling the lace of his tunic loose slower than necessary while going by scenarios that were even remotely possible. Telling the truth was far from an option. He knew that if he told of the Chitauri and their threats they would lock away the Tesseract to somewhere safe. And somewhere safe meant out of reach. And he knew that he would suffer consequences for that. But then who could he blame? Who could he accuse of an attack on his life without placing the death sentence on them? He threw off the vest and tunic. Thor held out a wet cloth he had picked up when he brought him in. His eyes were still asking him an explanation. 

“There was nobody. Not now.”

He carefully wiped the blood from his skin leaving only the red speck that was the actual wound.

“Nobody? But how then? You weren’t wounded when the Bifrost brought you in. That wound looks fresh.”

Loki stared at the puncture, red rimmed and bruised around the edges from the force of the Other’s fist, it was barely a millimetre across, if he put a finger over it, the wound was gone, and yet it had cost him little short of a litre of blood. 

“It’s because I’m exhausted Thor…”

He said, his mind putting little puzzle pieces of his lie together for him if Thor would ask for any of it.

“I’m having trouble maintaining magic.”

Which was not too far from truth. He felt the jotun under his skin lurking closely, if he hadn’t been controlling it for centuries without even knowing than he would have already been a lot bluer. But he had enough strength left inside to pull off healing spells and the like.

“Maintaining magic? What does that have to do with this?”

Thor looked so utterly confused that his entire forehead was crooked in a frown. Loki put the cloth that was now a bloody pink on the bedside table. The bleeding had stopped and he was clean enough to prevent infection.

“It’s come to a point where recent healing spells falter and give, so the wounds return to heal normally. When there are a lot of these injuries one could die from the sudden amount. But, this was the only one, a jotun hunter got me less than a month ago.”

Thor looked absolutely horrified, he stood up and grabbed the cloth.

“You mean that you are so tired that your magic just gives up on you?”

He sounded hoarse. Too keen to stay by Loki’s side he threw the small cloth back towards the bathroom to properly put it away again later.

The younger nodded.

“Yes, basically. I should have realized it sooner but…. Well I miscalculated.”  

Thor’s eyes screamed pity at him, and Loki felt guilty because he was lying. He knew however, if he told him what really happened it would even be ten times worse, combined with his rage for revenge much like with the Jotuns. 

“Then you must sleep.” Thor said sternly. “Everything else can wait, I will not have you get worse than this.”

His face was grave and determined, Loki couldn’t even bring himself to argue.

“Thank you.” he whispered.

Thor looked at the small wound that was perfectly centred in the middle of his brother’s stomach. 

“Will you need a bandage for it?” Thor asked doubtfully, his knowledge of wounds was very below standards.

Loki shook his head silently. Thor looked at the red stain in the sheets where Loki had collapsed when they came in.

“Are you sure?”

He nodded with a thin smile.

“It looked worse than it was Thor.”

He grabbed his tunic from the other side of the bed and made to put it on.

“You can’t wear that now.” Thor protested.

Loki arched an eyebrow.

“I’m cold.”

“But that stain is far from clean, you might get an infection, you might get sick.”

Loki shivered. A jotun, he spent more than a year on Jotunheim and now he was cold. The fatigue and blood loss did that to him.

“Just take this.” Thor grabbed a long sleeved shirt from his own closet. It was black, laced down half the chest to be worn casually, golden loop rings in the fabric for the cords, golden clasps around the tips as well. It was suitable.

“I hate it, it’s too small, too narrow. You may have it, I will have this washed for you. We should get you to your room.”

Loki quietly put the shirt over his head, trying not to rip the wound open again. He pulled it a few times to have it shape around him better. He stood up and gave Thor a nod that it was all good and he stepped out. The first thing he saw out in the hallway was the small pool of blood against the left wall. His blood. Thor followed his eyes and nudged him to go on.

“I really wouldn’t do that to yourself right now.” he whispered. 

The wind outside blew in through the open slits of the windows to their right. It sent cool late afternoon air in. With it came the smell of food. The cooks had started cooking for the evening. It smelled so good. His stomach suddenly growled like a wild animal. It begged to be given a share of whatever smelled so damn good.

“Oh wow….” Thor sighed. “Are you hungry?”

Loki laughed, knowing that around Thor he didn’t have to be embarrassed of it.

“Well yes, the last thing I had to eat was a spider, a month ago, and I am pretty sure it was poisonous. There was something about the taste of it. Never got sick though…”

He pushed the door to his room open and crashed on his bed, a bit too roughly, he thought when he felt a warm trickle of blood in his shirt. Thor smiled at him. 

“I’ll get you something to eat when you are well rested.”

“You may want to tell the kitchen personnel that first. Because I could eat more than Volstagg at the moment.”

“I don’t think there is such a thing as hungrier than Volstagg.” Thor mused out loud.

Loki kicked his boots off and rolled on his back, he was too tired to even crawl under the blankets.

“Do you need anything?” 

Loki lifted his head just enough to see Thor staring at him awkwardly. 

“Or should I just go…”

“I’m good. I bet you have better things to do than run around crazy to help me.”

“Then I should just…” Thor gestured at the door. “Sleep well.”

He grabbed the doorknob and then turned around again. 

“I’ll make sure nobody will disturb you as you sleep.” He assured him.

“Well, thank you.” Loki decided to get under the blankets now that he could momentarily muster the energy to do so.

“One more thing…” 

Loki groaned at Thor as he turned around again.

“What is it?”

“Must I tell father and mother of you? They would want to know, and I rather tell them myself than have Sif confront them.” 

“You might as well, it’s not a secret anymore since Heimdall, Sif and Volstagg know.”

“Volstagg? Him too?”

“Yes, Sif made the revelation for me. He was a bit too mind-blown to think anything of it though.”

“Oh, well…. Then I’ll just tell them. Sleep well….” Thor finally shuffled out of the door slowly.

Loki watched the door fall back in its place slowly as Thor disappeared and let out a heavy sigh. His trousers were uncomfortable under the sheets, too tight and warm. He struggled to get them off without moving too much under the blankets and threw them away to the corner of the room. He listened to Thor’s footsteps moving away from his room and shut his eyes, the sunlight still shone through them in bright orange. He reached out into the room with his magic and pulled the curtains in front of the windows, immediately it darkened before his eyes. The adrenaline rush that came with the wound and tension was gone and the fatigue weighed down doubly as heavy. Now that he was ease he felt the wound pulse and ache continuously. He slipped his hand under his shirt and probed until his fingers found the deep puncture. The length of the wound reached at least half way into his body. The magic under his skin flooded towards it, ready to be used when called upon it. He let it knit the ripped vessel and tissue slowly, too fast made for ugly scars that would stay weak for at least a month. The pain faded as his flesh pulled together again. Now he could at least sleep easily, no worries of ripping the tender flesh open again in his dreams. Sleep easily, not when he knew that the Chitauri could come for his soul whenever they pleased. Loki shook his head, pulling his legs to his chest. They had promised him three days, and thinking like that would leave him restless. He relaxed his muscles and dug his face in the pillow. It felt comforting to have the material under him actually give way. He let out a content sigh and wrapped the blankets around him like a cocoon. Exhaustion folded darkness around him and left his mind hazy. It promised a dreamless sleep, rest, ease, comfort. And he knew this time as he felt the small booklet under his head and pillow that the feeling of his bed was no illusion. That it would still be there as he woke up again. Within five minutes sleep had drowned his senses and the world was forgotten….

 


	7. Reunions

Chapter 7: Reunions.

 

 

The golden sunlight of Asgard reached a warm hand to Loki’s face as the sleep left his mind. He felt it on his cheeks and it coloured his eyelids a deep orange when shining through. He groaned and turned on his other side. The warmth seemed to put an extra blanket over his shoulders. Slowly he opened his eyes to let the light seep in gradually. It burned at first, as bright as it was even now that he was not looking in it. Through the curtains were closed it still managed to make the room bathe in gold. He had tangled with the blankets overnight, leaving his feet bare and his arm caught against his ribs. But it was good. He had missed the feeling of waking up without frosty eyelashes, no numb fingers or toes, no ice in his hair. He enjoyed the silence, the vague chatter of birds outside. He felt rested now, and he wondered how long he’d been sleeping. He pushed himself up on one elbow and pushed the blankets backwards. The shirt Thor had given him had come together in a lump under his ribs and now that he sat up came falling down his chest again. He pushed himself back in the pillows and sat up straight. He felt warm, cherished. It had been a while. He stretched his lazy muscles and looked to the side, to the many books behind him. He wished he could dwell a little longer, but he would use this time without other people around for something a little more important. He had things to do, things Thor nor his parents had to see. He stood up, swaying his legs over the edge with another lazy yawn and looked out over the bookcases. He knew that in his small notebook stood what he needed but he had done a spell like that so long ago that he needed the more detailed books for it. He grabbed three from their shelves and put them in the drawer of his bedside table. He would need those later. He brushed his fingers through his hair and walked to the other side of the room to grab a pair of pants. When he put them on they were loose, he had to add some weight to himself he thought when grabbing a belt. He pulled at the black shirt Thor gave him, stretching the crooks out of it. He really couldn’t be bothered to search something else and he found that it looked just fine. He set a step sideways to look in the mirror and pulled his hair back.  At the right side of his forehead he could see the distinct purple of a bruise where his head hit the floor when he’d fainted. It would fade soon, no reason to bother covering it. He made a quick gesture with his finger and the curtains moved away from the windows, letting the full daylight pull in. The height of the sun told him it was afternoon already, well past midday. He’d have to hurry along if he wanted to do this alone without being missed. He put on boots quickly and took the booklet from his bed. Taking it under his arm he headed out into the hallway. With hurried steps he made his way to the spiral staircase. He looked behind him but the silence of his rooms continued to envelop him. The halls seemed abandoned completely, no guards at watch, nobody passing through, not even a cleaner. He closed the doors to the stairway behind him and descended them. Arriving down at the main hall he expected to hear chatter of peasants, complaining to each other about their trouble before they could do so to the king. But there was nobody to see, the doors to the throne room were shut, the Allfather was not holding audiences. He always did, every day. He frowned, why not today? But he had no time to bother. He had better things to do. He snuck to the next set of stairs, which spiralled down below Asgard’s palace. They were forbidden to use for all those that had no business there. They led to the vaults below Asgard. The armoury storages, relics, treasure, weapons, they lived upon treasure and force. Also stored down here, in the room at the far end, was the Tesseract. The casket would be removed from it now but Loki was fairly sure that Thor had put it right back where it had been all the ages. On its column at the far wall, the Destroyer would no longer watch over it, Thor had bashed it like a piece of tin. Maybe they had built a new one, all he knew was that getting in through these doors he now faced would be the easiest part. The doors were shut firmly and looked as if the steel itself threatened him not to push them aside. He could now of course, they were not at war so they would not be barricaded. The Celtic knots twisted around each other like snakes in a pit, a small sense of decoration on these walls of power. They were at least ten inches thick these doors, made of a steel that would render his magic useless if he would try and open them with force. He put his shoulder against one of them and pushed it aside, the heavy steel letting out a deep groan when shifting. He snuck in through the crack and looked down. The stone steps of stairs stretched out towards the floor. From there he could see the four guards that stood at watch approach. At least these were alert, he had seen some that couldn’t outsmart a pig if they tried. They drew weapons and closed in, two head on, two flanking him just in case. 

“Identify yourself!” one ordered sharply.

Loki smirked, they were new then. He didn’t stop walking, feeling the flow of magic around him, knowing they would not see it, or feel it like he could.

“What do you mean?” he asked amused. “Do you see anyone? I’m not here. You must’ve heard something else.”

The guard that had spoken furrowed his brow and made to speak, but then his eyes glazed momentarily, as did those of his companions. It was only a fraction of a second and then he shook his head and looked around.

“Sir?” one of them asked.

“It was probably a rat. If vermin were smarter we would not stand a chance, those damned creatures make it in anywhere.” the superior huffed. 

The others nodded or shrugged and made way back to their posts, eyes out for a rat scooting over the floor. Loki smiled, that had gone off without a hitch. He could stand right in front of them but they would not see him. He was air to them, unless he’d touch them, they’d feel it. He stepped down the last set of stairs and looked out over the isle in front of him. There was nothing he hadn’t seen before, no new contraptions for traps. Apparently the Allfather trusted that the guards would be enough at times like these. Not that Loki would mind, it made it easier for him, people were much more easily manipulated than things. The Tesseract stood at the far end as he had thought, pulsing its blue light, as if it was alive. Two of the palace guards flanked both sides of it, staring out over the bunker with iron faces. He crossed the distance with hasty steps, this did not have to take longer than necessary. He stopped in front of the column and looked to his side once, the guard had not moved a muscle. Then he shifted his eyes to the seemingly solid wall behind the Tesseract. Would the Destroyer be rebuilt, he wondered. Would he set the damn thing off when touching the Tesseract with no more than the tip of his finger? His eyes did not part with the wall as he hovered one finger over the cube. He could feel its power lap at his hand already, promising to strip his magic as he made contact, it zinged with power. He placed his index-finger on the surface of the Tesseract and immediately the steel blue crept up his hand, he didn’t see it. It was hot, burning his flesh with the heat of all the force it contained. But the wall remained a wall, solid and unmoving. He pulled back his hand, his finger now sore with the burn that started to form. His flesh became white again. The Tesseract had its own mechanism of protection. It would not be manipulated by forces from anything other than its own. It would be near impossible to reproduce this. He would have to put layer upon layer of magic in it and then it would still need more. But it would happen, it had to. He’d need help though. He opened his spell book and traced over the pages with his finger until he’d found it. He put his eyes on the Tesseract once and then started to mutter the words under his finger. He made sure to do so silently, knowing that his spell on the guards provided only a small sound barrier. His eyes shot to the nearby two men quickly but they remained stoic and motionless. Bit by bit a perfect visual copy of the cube came to be in front of him. He spoke the last two words and reached out a hand to grab the blue device. This was nothing like the Tesseract. He could touch it with his magic intact, it didn’t burn, and most importantly it did not have a powerful presence it didn’t surge with power. It didn’t even whirl with light, it was barely even shiny. 

But it was a start. He would work on it when he had the time and the energy to do so, he was still so hungry he could barely muster enough energy to use multiple spells at once. He’d need time. He had gotten three days, he had slept one. This was day two, he would need this day to recuperate too, eat, drink, possibly sleep some more. He put the cube on his book and chose a place in his room in his mind, imagined the inside of a drawer and sent the two items away to that place. It was basic magic, one of the first things he had come to master in his childhood. One he had often used to make items of others ‘disappear’. Thor would be his most common victim. Watching him roam around the palace to find it was amusing, especially because Thor hated admitting he had lost something. He smiled faintly, the careless years. The ones in which his mother would silently snicker when he pranked Thor like that and his father would laugh, pad his back and tell him to put Thor out of his misery. Now he had more dreadful things to attend. He would have to face these same people again, but now after he had hurt them like he had. He would have to stand there and speak with them, shame pounding in his heart. He looked up. The guards were still oblivious to what he was doing. He’d leave them now, get back to the golden lit halls of Asgard above these bunkers. He scuffed back to the stairs again. He wanted to linger, walk slowly, the longer he stayed the longer it would take to get back to the halls, the longer it would take to walk to the throne room. But he couldn’t be seen. So he sped his pace when making his way up the stairs again and opened the door on a crack again. He slipped through and let the heavy slab fall back in place behind him. The moment he left that room his spell lifted. He felt the pull of magic that had been present lift again, as if part of him had stretched and now relaxed. There were times he didn’t even feel spells like these anymore, they wouldn’t affect him, he had weakened more than he might have thought. Blind to the other items around him Loki made his way back to the spiral staircase. Like golden rain the sunlight of Asgard shone in weakly from above. As he ascended he still heard no chatter or talk. Again he was followed by silence. It started to become deafening. He had spent so long in howling winds and clattering snow and ice that this silence now made him want to make noise, just to be sure he could still hear. But he heard the faint padding of his boots on the stone of the stairwell. He was not deaf. He peeked out into the halls, nobody had to see where he was coming from. Or worse, Sif could run into him. But he was alone. He stepped out into the halls, confused. Alone in the middle of these halls everything felt ridiculously big. And he just stood like an idiot, wondering where the world had vanished to. The doors to the throne room were now opened. He could see them on the far right, small now but towering when he’d come close enough. It meant his father was there, it meant his mother was there. He just hoped Thor was there, to hide behind, to see at least one kind smile. He could not set a step, remaining like a lost statue in the middle of the deserted hall. He was afraid.

He shook his head  and cursed. He was no child anymore. Slowly he walked, legs heavy as if they were lined with lead. Two guards flanked the massive doors. They both looked at him as he came closer. If they were surprised or shocked by his presence then they were kind enough not to show it. Loki stopped. This was the last point on which none of his family had seen him. He could still run now, back to his room, hide and wait for Thor to drag him out of there. Delay it a little longer. But for what purpose would that be? His lips thinned, like disinfecting a wound, just get it over with sooner rather than later. He set a few more steps, the guards let him through, not speaking a word or even looking at him. The three of them were there. Thor, his mother, his father. And they were arguing. No composed family. Thor argued heavily with Odin, forehead folded in a frown, talking in bouldering snarls. His father stood straight, his tactic of offense his intimidating stature. His mother, surprisingly enough, had sided with Thor, a hand on his shoulder, trying to reason more with Odin instead of following Thor’s rage. He could not hear what they were saying, but it did make for a heavy discussion. Thor cocked his head angrily towards the entrance, guiding his death glare to a pillar. Loki caught his eye in the entrance and as if his brain could only do one thing at the time his face softened and turned away from the fight. He left his mother to fight on his behalf  and turned to walk to Loki. The shouts ceased as his parents noticed that Thor had stopped and focused on something else. Loki stood frozen at the threshold. Thor came down the steps and smiled kindly. Apparently he tried to put his brother at ease, he walked slowly as if he would scare him off. Loki managed nothing but a thin nervous smile. And tried to focus on his brother’s big grin rather than his parents because, he couldn’t figure their faces out. They looked…. Shocked. Thor spread his arms and caught him in a light embrace. 

“Have you rested enough?” he whispered.

“I’d say a day ought to be enough.” 

And he knew that the blond god smiled at that. His gaze however drifted from the floor to his parents. His mother had returned to Odin’s side again, loosely holding his arm. Odin looked puzzled, holding a breath he apparently didn’t dare to let go. His mother stared at him, horrified now.  

Thor set a step back and looked over his brother’s form.

“You still look unwell. You are pale, thin, you may return to bed if you wish.”

Loki closed his eyes and shook his head, he was here now anyway. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Thor.” he sighed.

The blond god nodded curtly and stepped beside him, putting a hand behind his back for assurance. Loki looked to his parents now, straight back, eyes certain. His heart pounded in his chest.  Slowly he set a few steps forward and looked up to their faces as they still stood on the steps to the throne.

He did not know what he should say, a rare occasion, so he chose to stay silent.

“My child…” his mother’s voice quivered.

Anger perhaps? Disgust, disappointment?

“My son…” she said, now with a more calmed voice.

She descended the stairs, leaving the Allfather’s side. Loki flinched as she raised her hand, fearing not the sting a slap would leave on his cheek but the burn of shame that would rise with it. Her hand grazed his hair, fingers brushing the side of his temple.

“You look so worn. So tired.” she stepped back one step. “My poor little Loki.”

His eyes shot up. Confused and completely thrown off he sought her face for sarcasm. 

“What is it?” her face mimicked his confused frown.

“Why do you do this?” he hissed.

Odin and Fregga exchanged a look, worry.

“Do what child?”

“Don’t pretend! Speak truth! Not this sarcastic care please!” he shouted.

Odin finally let that breath go, but it was Fregga who spoke.

“You think we do not care for you anymore? You are our son. Our child. We would never hurt you.”

Loki backed away, he didn’t trust this, not one bit. There had to be a catch. He sought the room, surely they had set a trap, he had been such a fool not to check for it first.

“Loki?” Thor sounded confused. “Are you well?”

Thor, he had been an idiot to trust Thor. It had been too good to be true, too good. He had lured him here. He had hardly noticed how the panic started to grab him. His breath was shallow and he just wanted to run, but what would they do?

A hand grabbed his shoulder and he lashed out, his magic surging more than necessary to protect him. Thor crashed into the far wall, staggering to his feet right away.

“Loki, what’s wrong? It’s me.”

“What are you going to do with me?!” his voice was high. “What?!”

Thor stopped from moving towards him.

“We won’t do anything. I don’t understand.”

“Don’t lie to me!” he felt the blind panic corrupt his brain. “Why did you bring me here?!”

His magic built and built and using this much would exhaust him, but he could not care, defending himself was all he could try now that he had already walked in their trap.

“We wish you no harm.” Thor insisted again.

“Don’t lie to me!” a pulse of magic came to knock Thor back again. 

Odin stood straight.

“No dear…. No.” Fregga spoke.

But the Allfather pounded his staff upon the floor once and the power flung Loki back. He crashed on his shoulders and found his arms restrained against the floor.

“Nobody will hurt you!” Odin’s voice was loud and far from comforting. The restraints on his arms faded and he sat up. Thor had scribbled to his feet again, now distancing himself from Loki by joining his parents.

“You are so damaged…” Fregga said softly. “You are so damaged that you think we would hurt you?”

His chest was still rising and falling rapidly. The exhaustion of the extensive use of magic lurked under his skin. He didn’t understand. His head whirled with questions, thoughts, confusion. He couldn’t stand them anymore. Not caring who would see it he let out an ugly cry and buried his head in his arms. Thor watched, a pain tugging at his heart as his brother sat huddled together on a good thirty feet away, crying and breaking apart. He looked at his mother and father. His father’s shoulders had slumped and he looked old when he stared at Loki, his one eye soft and pained. Fregga was in tears already, no sobs, that was not like her manners. But in silence the salty water ran down her cheeks. She carefully approached her son and knelt before him.

“We’re sorry.” she whispered. “We love you Loki. We never stopped.”

She put a hand on his raven black hair and slowly brushed her hand through it.

“You are no criminal to us. We know… And we’re sorry. We should have seen you were in pain.” 

Loki brought his head up slowly, he needed to see if her eyes were as genuine as her words. 

“You’re sorry?” he asked weakly.

“In a crime there is never one culprit.” his mother continued, a soft smile on her face. “And we are to blame for things as much as you. But you have paid.”

Odin stepped forward.

“From what I have seen and know, I have deemed your sins cleansed. You have paid and suffered beyond what was justice.” he said.

He put a hand on his wife’s shoulder as he looked at Loki with guilt.

“Welcome home.”

 


	8. Like the old days

Chapter 8: Like the old days.

 

Loki sat on the golden steps to the throne. He rested his head on his fingertips and stared to the polished floors. His head was a whirlpool of questions and thoughts. He was alone now. His father and mother had left. Asgard was ally in a war to another party, and things weren’t going as planned so they had to go back to the meeting rooms. They had made quick apologies and promised answers. Thor had stayed behind, worried still over his melt down. He didn’t dare bring it up but Loki could already see from the look on his face that it was clearly on his mind.

“Is there anything I can do?” he’d asked him.

Loki had slumped on the steps where he sat now and had shaken his head. But again his stomach reminded him of its emptiness with a rumble. Thor had excused himself to go and find him something to eat. And thus he was alone again, with his mind that would not stop spinning and twisting. He was confused. How could his parents feel guilty for his faults? They felt that they had driven him mad then? Or were they just sorry that they failed to see it in him before? He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. They had never been sorry. They had found things ‘unfortunate’ for him on occasions. But they had never felt guilt or said they were sorry. Not when that cursed horse attacked him, not when his children were all monsters, not when those same children were cast out to prevent to events of Ragnarok. Never. His mother of course had tried to ease the aches he’d felt. She had tried to explain why it was for the better that his children left. She helped him cope with having a horse for a child. If she hadn’t he would have gone mad a lot earlier in life. But now he had seen the absolute devastation on their faces. They had regret for something, they regretted him going insane.

“Brother? Are you well?” Thor asked carefully. 

Loki moved his eyes from the floor up to the open door. Noticing that he was sitting like some brooding hermit he straightened his back and mustered up a fake smile. His eyes fell on the plate in Thor’s hand, stacked with fresh food. Like a starved animal his gaze locked onto it.

“Loki, are you ill?” Thor asked more gravely.

He hardly ever called him by his name, only when he was dead serious and wanted an honest reply.

“No I’m not sick. I am tired, bashed and hungry.” he snarled.

The constant worry over his health was playing on his nerves. He was not weak and would not fall apart. Thor had not even seen the worst that had happened to him. He was not weak. His brother saw the anger blaze up behind those green eyes.

“I didn’t mean anything with it.”

Loki did not move his eyes from the food in Thor’s hands but arched an eyebrow.

“You think me sick every time I hunch over too much, let out a groan or sigh. I’m not ill, I’m not dying so please stop asking…” he growled the last few words.

Thor put the food on one of the tables and pulled up a chair, signing Loki to take place on the one facing him. At the large tables he looked so small and alone. Usually hundreds of Asgardians would take place at them, not two.

He sagged onto the other chair and dragged the food towards him.

“Sorry, it’s not warm. The kitchen personnel doesn’t heat the fire until late afternoon.” Thor said immediately.

“I don’t care.” the younger answered shortly.

The blond god nodded and focused his eyes elsewhere. His brow furrowed and he leaned back, a sign he contemplated asking a question. Loki followed his eyes and saw they rested on the bloody ragged fingernails of his right hand. Knowing it was no use he still curled his fingers inwards as if he wished to hide it.

“What did happen to your fingers? I noticed it when you arrived too.” Thor asked.

Loki chose to ignore him and instead bit down on a piece of breath, making sure to avoid Thor’s eyes. His eyes fluttered shut. He had missed the taste of proper food. It was almost blissful. 

“Please answer me…”

He glared at Thor. Couldn’t he see he wanted to avoid the subject? He instead started peeling the skin of a fruit, pretending he didn’t feel the sting of the juice in the bloody edges.

“Loki. Talk to me.” Thor grabbed his hand.

He did look up now, annoyed.

“Who did that?”

“I did. I would claw at ice in my sleep sometimes.” he lied quickly.

He would rather not confront with the things the Chitauri had inflicted. He wished to spare Thor from it, as much as he wished to spare himself from the memories.

“Why would you do that?”

“I was ASLEEP, Thor. I do not know!”

It fell silent again. Loki turned his eyes down again and ate more. He could already feel the pressure in his stomach, he was getting full. It was a complete paradox. He was starved still and yet he could not eat more now his stomach was not used to it. Thor’s eyes started roaming the room, as if he hoped to find a subject of conversation there. He hated silence, it made him twitchy and uneasy. After all, they had grown up with feasts that were so loud you could barely even hear the one next to you. So Thor needed sound around him to feel comfortable. Loki wouldn’t start a subject, talking meant he had to stop eating.

“So… ” Thor huffed. “How was Jotunheim?”

His question was hesitant and a clear desperate attempt of conversation. Loki’s eyebrows shot up in a frown.

“That’s what you come up with?” he started laughing. “How was Jotunheim?….Heavens Thor.”

He snorted again.

“Cold would cut it.”

Thor also laughed once.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… Every time you have disappeared I have known nothing of what you have encountered when you were away.”

His laugh faded and his eyes became hard.

“I just…. I have so much I wish to tell you. But I am not good with words. I don’t know how and…” Loki’s smile also faded as Thor started waving his arms in frustration, his eyes sorrowful.

“I…. am…. so very sorry. ”

“Sorry?” Loki repeated, his confusion written on his face.

“I was the arrogant fool that drove you over the edge. I should have been your support when you were in difficulty, I should not be the cause of it. Do you really think, in all of your honesty, that you would have done all of this if I had been that brother?”

Loki turned his face away, a mirthless smile on his face.

“You have nothing to feel guilt for. You did not attempt to slaughter a race… twice.”

“Answer my question Loki. Would you have gone mad if I had loved you?”

Two green eyes slowly focused back on his, contemplative.

“No…” he whispered.

Thor leaned back. He had always felt that way. That it was also his fault, but now, the plain confirmation of it still hit hard.

“But I would not call it an excuse. Jealousy is no excuse for murder or tyranny. All I ever wanted…” Loki gestured at Thor’s being. “I wanted to be you. I wanted the people to talk of me as they did of you. With respect and love. You are the golden prince of Asgard. All I have ever been is the mother of monsters, the Liesmith. Nobody would talk to me for they would not trust a word I said. I just wanted a little of it, some pride, respect, love….”

Loki didn’t cry but Thor could see the hurt deep within.

“And you deserved it, more so than I most of the time…” 

Loki cocked his head, shaking the chill of sadness of him.

“Maybe so. But with all I did I burned every chance of it long ago. Please don’t hurt me anymore with things that will not be.”

He pushed the plate away, one more bite and he would puke. He was as full as he could tolerate. 

“It’s not all lost. From now on, I will give you all the love and respect you need as your brother. I will see to it with father that you are redeemed. It will be later than you deserve, but I do promise.”

The voices that had told Loki to still resent Thor suddenly fell silent. He lowered his head and fought the sharp sting of tears, not again, he would not cry again. 

“Brother?” 

Loki looked up, giving him a thin smile. His eyes were red, he was fairly sure.

“I really did not mean to make you cry. I did not mean to hurt you.” Thor started.

Loki opened his mouth to tell him he was a fool. But he let out a sob instead and wiped at his eyes. Thor sat himself down next to him and pressed his face in his shoulder. He half expected another surge of magic, like an hour ago. To be flung across the room again. But nothing came. He did feel a jolt in Loki’s shoulders that then became a steady shaking as he started crying again.

Thor had never seen him broken down like that. Even on Midgard he had not seemed that unstable. He knew now it wasn’t the words he spoke that triggered him. It was relief. The things he had seen were still a mystery to Thor but they had broken his brother down, as had the hunger, the fatigue. 

“It’s that bad then?” 

He put a hand on Loki’s raven black hair and swallowed around the lump in his throat. He would take it all away, the pain, the fear. Everything to repair all that had snapped. 

“Can we please go?” Loki asked silently, his forehead still resting on Thor’s shoulder.

Thor nodded and leaned back. Loki immediately shot up a hand to fashion his hair again.

“Where would you wish to go?”

He decided against commenting on Loki’s crooked shirt. It was clearly the one he’d slept in. The folds and worn shape betrayed that. Loki let out one more shaky breath before pulling himself together, straightening his back again.

“I’m sorry.” he apologized with a thin smile.

“Don’t be. It means you have a heart.” 

Loki stood up and looked around.

“Outside. I wish to go out.” 

“Of course. But, won’t you need a coat?” Thor asked when trailing behind him.

“I have been on Jotunheim for what felt as an eternity. I haven’t felt sun on my face for so long, or a breeze instead of a blizzard. Of course I won’t be cold.”

Thor could not argue with that. He was dressed warm enough himself but still silently hoped the thin tunic wouldn’t put Loki down with a cold. They exited through the small side gate and Loki took in the warmth of the afternoon sun. It was pleasantly warm, even though it already stood somewhat low. He led Thor to that one tree he knew best and sat down, Thor following up on that. He could smell the grass, the blossom of trees and bushes. It was spring. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the tree, drinking in the warmth and scents. Thor laughed at him. 

“Do you feel better now? Now you’ve rested and eaten?”

“A bit. But I can’t rush into a recovery. It will take time.”

“But relatively? Can you use your magic again?”

Loki quickly recalled the lie he’d used to cover the Chitauri’s damage. So he nodded.

“Basic magic yes. Nothing spectacular I’m afraid.”

He felt his hair brush against his collarbones in the breeze. It was still too long.

“How long has it been?” he mused aloud.

“You do not know?”

“Jotunheim is eternal winter and always dark. I lost track relatively soon.”

“A year and 40 days. Since you escaped Asgard.”

“So you’ve been counting…”

“Of course, every day without you hurt. I didn’t want to lose you again.”

Loki smiled thinly. He did not doubt Thor’s sincerity, but he still felt thrown. They had spent years like they were strangers. Thor not paying attention to him, Loki stopping to try to get it and focus on study.

“Why Thor?” he asked. “Why now? For an eternity I have meant so little to you and now you treat me like I’m all you’ll ever need. You never hated me, but still… This… I don’t understand it.”

Thor knew exactly what he spoke of.

“When you actually fought me, with the Destroyer and in person, that’s was when I realized the harm I had done. Especially when you stood across me, really planning to kill me. I asked myself how it could have come to that. And you radiated the answer, your hate to me right then. When we hung there on the Bifrost you were just empty inside, failed to even carry out your rage.”

Thor had started to draw circles in the grass. “And when you fell I was devastated for not getting the chance to fix it. Then I heard of your presence on Midgard and thought I could set things right, as long as I would stop you from making another mistake. But….”

He let out a heavy sigh, looking at Loki who took in what was told him curiously.

“But you resented me still, even more so. You were positively insane brother. I had no idea what to do. So I failed you again by doubting too long and instead be your enemy again. Then when I took you home I thought you and I had time to talk.”

“Instead I shut you out of my world completely and escaped.”

“You did. But now, this is my final chance and I wish to approach it right. And I hope to god that you will let me.”

Loki nodded. He understood the course of Thor’s mind.

“That would be the least I could do.”

The blond god smiled contently.

“It’s everything you’ll need to do for me.”

Loki let out a lazy yawn suddenly, no longer able to suppress it.

“You want to sleep some more?”

“Tonight yes. For now I’m  fine here, enjoy the sun on my face.”

“Maybe read a book when you’re at it?”

“I read every book in Asgard already, some even twice or more.”

“Fair enough. Converse with me then?”

“We could talk yes.”

“What would you talk about?”

“Anything. As long as it’s not about Midgard.”

Loki propped himself up more comfortably. 

“I… maybe it’s safer for the atmosphere if you found us a subject.”

The younger shook his head.

“Fine then. Why don’t you tell me what I missed here in Asgard since I’ve fallen? I never got to catch up in that dungeon.”

Thor quite eagerly took up on that subject. He seemed to recall many things, good and bad. As Thor told Loki started to notice that his stories were as chaotic as the man telling them, they were not told in order, often accompanied with details that sprung to mind later. Eventually even Loki lost track of who and what Thor spoke and just leaned back, amusing himself with watching Thor speak. His brother also spoke with his body, arms flailing around for emphasis. He was very enthusiastic, his eyes sparking with joy as he told.

“And mother actually believed we would marry….. ”he paused to laugh out. “And Sif was outraged…. That I would choose that wench over he-her…”

He wiped at his eyes.

“You should have been there! We could have conspired it together.”

Thor breathed out. Loki smiled at the story. Even Thor had a devious streak. The blond god interrupted his story and signed the nearby guard to come.

“Bring us food. And ale.” he called.

Loki shifted uncomfortably at the way the man gaped at him. Eyes wide and mouth open. He was looking at a ghost in his eyes. 

“And some water please.” Loki added to Thor’s demands.

The guard didn’t even move.

“Today would be nice!” Thor urged.

The man shook his head once, deciding he would not risk it to ask questions. He gave a nod to Thor and left. 

“Will you not drink with me?” Thor sounded utterly disappointed.

“I don’t think ale is a wise brew to take when thirsty.”

“Ale solves every problem a man can have brother.”

Loki’s smile was slightly sour.

“Not dehydration. I will drink with you when I feel better.”

Thor complied to that.

“What were you telling again?” Loki continued.

Thor shrugged, placing his hands far behind him to lounge there with the grace of an ape.

“I don’t even recall anymore.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“And you? How about you will tell me what it is you have seen since that day?”

Thor decided that putting that much weight on his hands was not comfortable enough and fell flat on his back, placing his hands behind his head.

“You have seen things I know. I want the truth about them, even if it’s ugly and it may hurt me to hear it.”

The palace guard arrived and put a platter in front of them, along with two flasks. Loki eyed him until he was sure the man was out of hearing range.

“Have you ever considered it might hurt me to say it? The ugly truth as it is?”

He made his words sound sly, to cover the fact that he indeed would dread speaking of the things he knew. But Thor was as daft as ever.

“Nobody wanted to tell me of it after father’s visions. I only heard it was bad and that I was better off not to know. You are the only one who can relieve me of this need to know.”

“People were right Thor. You are better off not knowing. Trust me.”

He tried to subdue the dark memories that crept to the front of his mind. He reached to grab a few nuts, using some willpower to stop his hand from trembling. 

“But I must know! I will forever thinking of the very worst things, not knowing if they are true or not. I will forever be plagued by foul nightmares.”

“And what if the worst you can think of is not even near what I have seen?” Loki’s snarl was very hostile, warning Thor to shut up.

The blond god’s face twisted with horror.

“Would it be so very bad?”

“I don’t know… What is the worst you could imagine?”

The grim look on Loki’s eyes darkened even more. Why would Thor want to know?

“Brother! Don’t do that to me!”

Thor was now plucking fistfuls of grass from the soil. Loki spat away a grape seed and furiously met his brother’s eyes.

“You have no right to say that! You, who forces me to bring up memories I will not speak of ever again!”

The flare of green that lit up Loki’s eyes caused Thor to cringe a bit. He had known years that Loki was more in control than this.

“But look at you… If you keep all this to yourself, inside of your damaged being. Then how can I help you recover? If you will not share with me what hurt you then what can I do?”

“But I can’t!” 

The sudden gust of wind that hit Thor’s face was not natural. 

“I would break down! Is that what you want to hear?! That memories can reduce me to nothing again! That I am that weak!” Loki spat the words at him.

His face was twisted to such an animalistic rage that it scared Thor. It reminded him of the Bifrost, of the fight they had on the bridge, the maniacal way Loki had been yelling at him. Completely out of control. 

“Don’t put your own thoughts in my mouth Loki.” He said, voice calm to put him at ease. 

“It is you that thinks that. Not me. You think yourself weak because you have trauma. Not me. Just share it with me. So I can help you fight the memories. Like brothers in arms.”

Loki glared at him, he was still far from calm. His nostrils were wide open as he took deep breaths. 

“You cannot help me fight my own mind.”

At least he was not yelling anymore.

“Why can I not?”

“You are not inside it. You do not know what goes on there and how it suffocates my common sense. How it can freeze my body numb and leave it useless with irrational fear.”

“No I don’t. But I would if you would let me in. Help me understand then.”

His brother’s eyes narrowed contemplating.

“If you feel that it becomes too much you stop, and I will take satisfaction in knowing what I know up until then. But you must at least tell me anything.”

“What do you actually know?” Loki turned his head away in defeat.

Thor tried to hide the content smile on his face.

“I know that father told me you just vanished into thin air after your escape. Just like the time you fell into the void. Like you had stopped existing. Back then, we thought it was because you were actually dead. But father now thought it was one of your own spells. That you were hiding from us. That was… until the images came to father.”

Loki’s eyes seemed to go dead as soon as they had started talking.

“And that is all you know?” his voice was so cool all of a sudden.

“Well of course I know also that you’ve been in a lot of pain…”

 


	9. Memories

Chapter 9: Memories.

 

Thor didn’t look at Loki as he spoke those words, his voice small. He frowned and sighed, thinking of his conversations with the Allfather. 

“Father did not tell me much. He just said that he would sometimes see you. Always through the eyes of your attacker. He said he could never see where you were, only the small focus that was you. But he said that those images would haunt him in his sleep, that they were often red with blood, accompanied by screams.”

Thor’s voice wavered at the last few words.

“He often said that he wished he did not see…”

“Nothing more?” Loki asked, not a trace of emotion on his face this time.

Thor did not like this. Only a moment ago he had been yelling and letting go of his control.

“No nothing. But the Chitauri… why did they do that to you? How can they be that cruel?”

“Because I failed my end of our ‘bargain’. I did not bring them the Tesseract as they wanted me to.”

“This was a punishment then? For something you could not be held responsible for?”

“They held me responsible, it was up to me to bring it to them. The Chitauri are cruel creatures Thor. Don’t try and understand their justice.”

“If you had told us then we could have helped you fight against them.”

“No you couldn’t. Your avenger friends did not fight even half their army. The ship that Stark blew up was one ship of a whole fleet. You could not even fathom how many there are.”

Thor had started clawing at the dirt beneath the grass. He looked angry. Angry with himself for not seeing it soon enough, angry with the Chitauri for the pain they had caused his brother.

“But you did not know. There is no need to put blame on yourself.” Loki added.

“Did they come to Jotunheim?” Thor suddenly asked.

He clearly did not wish to discuss who was and was not to blame.

“No, They would take me away most of the time. Not physically though, they can take the soul and materialize it elsewhere….. It’s complicated. Let’s just say they could take me away to any place in the universe without moving me. The wounds they inflict on me there however are very real.”

“So where did they take you?”

“A planet I have seen many times before. It’s a dark rocky planet. It knows no buildings or homes. It only has a set of stairs to another level it’s electric. I think it’s their home base of some sorts, the place their leader stays.”

“Did you ever meet him?”

Loki shook his head.

“He has a right hand which I came to know as the Other. He communicates on the leader’s behalf and carries out the torture. He was the one to strike the blows.”

“And what did he do then?”

The million dollar question.

“So many things. They are creative in the arts of pain, the Chitauri.”

He tried to stall , Thor did not need to know to what a miserable mess they’d reduced him.

The blond god would not accept that for an answer.

“Was it different from when they first found you?”

“Oh yes. When they still needed me they would make sure as to make their tortures…. Internal. So that my skin was kept intact mostly. After I had failed they turned me into a bloody mess on more than one occasion. Then I didn’t need to be healed again for a task. ”

Thor’s face twisted in horror.

“How long did it take to heal from things on Jotunheim ?” 

Loki groaned. Why did he have to keep asking?

“A week at the time if I put healing charms on it. If I could not muster the energy for that then it would take a month at times.”

Thor’s eyes darkened.

“I’ll kill them all if I ever see their faces again. If they even touch you with a finger I would-”

“- Don’t” Loki cut him off. “Don’t you make promises you can’t keep.” 

He tried to smile Thor’s confusion away. Thor would have to kill their entire army by his own hands if he made promises like those, because they were not gone, they were still there.

“And what do you mean with internal torture? I can’t even…”

“Poison.” Loki shrugged. “At first.”

“Poison…” Thor repeated.

“If you know the right doses it will not kill you. But it hurt I can tell you.”

“And then?”

“The poison they used started leaving more and more damage so they opted for heat.”

Again Thor’s face was puzzled.

“I am a jotun. I don’t stand warmth that well. You know that. They would force me into jotun form and tie me against a heated rock for days, in human form it would have been manageable but…. In the form of a frost giant it was pure torture. My skin became so dry that it would crack when I moved, I lost every bit of hydration and was so thirsty that my tongue was dry like old leather.”

It fell silent again.

“Why could we find you so suddenly?” Thor’s question came out of nothing.

Loki sighed and cursed under his breath.

“I mean, father could not see you for all these months, not even catch a glimpse and then one day Heimdall says he has seen you and knows where you are.”

Loki opted for the easiest answer.

“I don’t know. Maybe I became boring to them, maybe they found someone else to use as their puppet. I do not know their motives and plans.”

“Didn’t you make plans with them for Midgard?”

Loki chuckled at that, seemingly amused.

“No I did not. I was given the mind gem, the sceptre, when I was ‘ready’ in their eyes and they told me what I was to do and what not to do if I wanted to stay in one piece.”

Thor started to get annoyed with Loki’s dismissive tone, the dead eyes. He talked as if he discussed the weather, not torture that damaged his very being.

“I wish I’d known, before.” Thor said again. 

“You know now…”

Without meaning to he reached a boiling point. He jumped up.

“That is enough! Have some respect for yourself! This is you we speak of, not a soldier with an unfortunate faith or a peasant.”

Loki cast his eyes down.

“I try not to put my mind into it.” he explained sourly. “If I do I sit here again like a broken mess and that is not what I want.”

Thor sagged back, of course he was too big an idiot not to realize that.

“I’m sorry. They did horrible things to you. I had no right.”

Loki huffed.

“At first, when I met them I was grateful.” he snorted mirthlessly. “I had been falling for so long that I had forgotten many things. The darkness had made me forget how to see, the silence made me forget how to hear, the loneliness left me with no memory of speaking. I was starving but we don’t die of natural cause so I kept falling. Then they came. I was brought onto their ship to a dark room where they would carefully accustom me to light again, speak to me until I could hear properly and converse. They fed me until I was healthy and taught me how to walk on legs that had not walked for so long.”

Thor listened, horrified for he knew what had followed.

“When I had recovered they asked me a favour. To bring them the Tesseract in return. When I refused however they broke all their progress down again.”

“They healed you…” Thor mumbled. “Only to break you apart even more. I have not known such cruelty in my life.”

“They only did because I refused.”

“Then why did you refuse?”

The question was simple but it made Loki think suddenly.

“You had no ties with Asgard then, you must have despised us. Why not give it to them?”

“But it was not on Asgard Thor. It was on Midgard. I did not want to have to get it from Midgard. Your Midgard.”

“You were afraid to hurt me?”

“No… I mean… part of me found it nice that you all thought me dead. To confront the humans meant that you would know. It was easy, it meant I did not have to face it.”

“Even after the pain?”

“When it started I let that go of course. But there was one more thing, something else to stop me… I wanted anything but them to have it. I did not know what they would use it for but it could not be good. Cruel creatures like them search genocide and war.”

“You wanted to protect the other realms…”

“Well, I do have some standards. They were cruel, I could not tell myself that I would help those who beat the life out of me to become the rulers of the realms…. But of course everything has a limit. And when nobody came to help me, free me from it because everyone did think me dead, I snapped. I could not care for anything anymore because my head was splitting with the insanity that comes with that much pain.”

Thor cast his head down.

“But of course then they did not take me on my word anymore… They finished their job until they were sure I was afraid enough of them to be disciplinary.”

“No more…” Thor breathed.

Loki turned his eyes to Thor’s face. The blue eyes gleamed with tears.

“Please no more. You were right, I could not take this.”

He sighed in relief at that. He was done, he had told Thor what he needed to know and now it was done. His gut uncoiled  slowly. It let go carefully, relaxing as he leaned back.

“It’s getting cold don’t you agree?” Thor wiped at his eyes.

“I’m  a frost giant, I can’t get cold from this…. If it snows maybe.”

“Right of course.” He shivered. “But I’m cold. So if you would come with me maybe?”

Loki nodded, sighing the last bit of tension off.

“Sure… But I’ll be the one to converse with you. You are perfect at killing the mood.”

Thor rose his hands in defeat.

“You are right. I can’t talk well.”

They walked back to the palace together slowly.

“I would only tell you… Father wishes to hold a banquet. To celebrate your return. It was what we argued over this morning. I know that you are not up for that yet, mother understood too…”

“But father did not…”

“No, he thinks it’s useless to hide your presence. He says you have nothing to fear.”

Loki’s eyebrows shot up.

“No? Murder attempts from people like Sif are nothing nowadays? How about a riot?”

Thor laughed.

“Come now brother… That’s nothing you have not seen before.”

Loki sighed and shook his head.

“Doesn’t mean that I wish to encounter them again.”

“Well, father agreed to wait until he can ask your thoughts about it. So it will not be tonight.”

“Ah, so the man does have some sense.”

He smiled.

“Would you not talk of father like that?”

“Why not? He does make some ill choices I must say.”

Thor shrugged.

“I will not speak of that.”

“But when he comes to ask I would ask him to wait until the gossip settles. That will soften the shock.”

“I think that would be a neat compromise…” Thor agreed.

They stepped in through the side doors and Thor turned.

“I have a proposal.”

Loki shrugged.

“Tell me, but if you take out a ring I’ll go.”

Thor flushed red in his face.

“I meant no such proposal…”

Loki laughed.

“You are still so easy.”

Thor darkened in red.

“I am not easy! You just make everything sound so serious!” he shook his head. “But that was not what I meant! I don’t want you to go back to your room and be alone again. Go to the baths with me, we could get spoiled like proper princes.”

Loki smiled.

“That is a surprisingly good idea coming from you.”

“Brother…”

“Only a joke…  But it does sound good. I’ll come with you.”

“Then I’ll see to it that your hair is cut properly too.” Thor put a hand on his hair.

Loki backed away.

“What’s wrong with my hair?” he asked sharply.

“Well, it’s long and you cut it messily.” 

Loki huffed.

“And you think you could do better?”

“No, but the court’s barber can. So, how about we get our royal asses in some hot water and see about the rest along the way?”

“Princes don’t say asses…” he grinned.

“Behinds then if you wish. If you say it, it does indeed sound stupid.”

He stretched a hand to his right.

“Follow me then. We did some real renovations. You will not recognize it.”

“I doubt I even would recognize it if nothing had changed. I never went there. I don’t like washing myself in public and it was often way to warm.”

He followed Thor to a side wing of the palace. The baths were isolated from the rest of Asgard’s palace, built at the back as an extra building, later connected to the huge building with a wide corridor. Thor pushed the doors aside and immediately the air grew thick with water vapour, strong with the smell of multiple soaps and oils. Loki immediately reached to pull at the cords of his shirt for air. The steam came from the many hot pools that threw up clouds and clouds of it, but there were also a few with cool water, some were huge, others made for people that preferred more privacy.

“This way.” Thor walked to a set of doors.

“I take it you would not like the public baths.”

“No. I still don’t wish to be recognized. Even though they might not recognize me at all, I hardly look my best.”

The blond god snorted loudly.

“Hardly look your best…” he grinned broadly. “You are vain little brother.”

Loki glared at him.

“There is nothing wrong with the wish to look civilized. You for one could do with some more. Or do you wish to pretend that you don’t see the stains of your last meal on your shirt?”

Thor huffed, bringing his hand up to cover the wine stain.

“How about we do not meddle with each other’s preferences and do what we want?”

“I guess we could call a truce.”

“A truce brother?”

“Yes, truces are temporary after all and I don’t think you can keep your end for long anyway.” 

His grin was challenging and sly.

“Me? You who must always control everything until he gets what he wishes. You will be the one that cannot last a day.”

“Would you bet on that Thor?” Loki’s gaze was too innocent.

Thor grunted but soon grinned, pushing the doors aside.

“You’re on little brother… You are so on.”


	10. Soap and sour faces

Chapter 10: Soap and sour faces.

 

The cloud of steam that enveloped the brothers when walking in almost suffocated Loki. It was thick like smoke and made the walls look foggy. The lights of the high windows cut through it in yellow beams to light the humongous room. In the middle the floor was cut out to hold a giant pool of hot water. It rocked silently against the edges  and would probably spill over the top when rocked too rough as they were in it. But it was soothing and inviting, the sound and sight of flowing water. Loki took a deep breath that seemed very unsatisfying. 

“Can you open a window? I’m way too warm in here.” He huffed.

Thor pulled his own shirt over his head. 

“Then you should undo your clothes brother.”

He cast his shirt to a safe place where it would not get wet.

“It’s not like I never saw you naked before…” he laughed.

Loki turned his face away, his lips thinned. He was in no way ashamed of his body, he had never been. But, now he was. His stay on Jotunheim had reduced him to something sad. The muscles he once had had not been prominent, but now they had just disappeared so it seemed. Lack of food and sun had made him a pale thin human. His spine stuck out with each vertebra. His ribs could be traced around his torso. He looked like a walking dead man. He knew how Thor would stare, mouth open and gaping in shock. Hesitantly he pulled the lace out of his tunic and pulled it over his head. By instinct he could feel Thor’s eyes burn in his back from behind him. He did not look at him, keeping his eyes nailed on the water in front of him.

“You look weak brother…” Thor said softly, reaching a hand to touch one of the vertebras in his neck.

“I’m not weak!” He snarled, snapping his head away.

Thor sighed and ghosted his hand above his brother’s skin.

“Worn, if you wish then…” he corrected silently. “I’m only worried for you. I have known you as such a different man. As my proud brother, clever where he lacked physical strength, a most capable strategist, a rare beauty, even among us Aesir.”

He traced his hand down his shoulders and rested it there, a deep sigh of grief rumbling in his throat.

“I wonder at some days whether or not he is dead, this brother of mine. For this man here is only a shade of my memories.”

Loki swallowed hard, Thor sounded so deeply hurt. He saw Thor’s feet step around his back to face him, but he kept his eyes cast down.

“But I know now. He is not dead.” The blond god smiled softly.

“I get to see him a little again as of late. When you smile, when you and I talk carelessly. Then I know that he only needs a hand to drag him out of the darkness.”

He forced Loki’s chin up and smiled when he saw Loki fight the urge  to cry again, the defiant look as if he challenged the salty water to just even try. 

“Will you let me help you bring you back, little brother?” he asked, grabbing the other’s hand softly.

Loki swallowed.

“How can you be so sure…” he started weakly. “How do you know that it’s not just trappings of your mind? How do you know for sure that your beloved brother is not dead?”

Thor knew he needed the assurance.

“My mind does not play tricks that cruel on me brother. It’s all real.” he stared more intently in those green eyes that used to spark so much more than this. “Let me help you.” 

Loki saw Thor beg it of him. He nodded silently and gazed down again. Thor placed a kiss on his forehead and smiled. 

“You are home now Loki, all that happened is of the past.”

Thor patted his shoulder again once before he threw off his pants and jumped into the water. The blond god created a small tidal wave that washed over Loki frontally. Loki snapped out of his own thought and wiped a strand of black hair from his face. 

“THOR!” he yelled at his brother.

The other only laughed and threw his own hair back. Loki was flustered, wiping at his wet face and his trousers. 

“What’s the matter Loki?” Thor lounged on the edge of the pool with his arms. “It’s not like you need those pants in bath.”

Loki tilted his head.

“Which means they also did not need to get wet! Do you even know how long it takes before these get dry again?!” 

Thor smiled, there he was again, his Loki.

“No need to be so vain brother… There are plenty of pants in the palace of Asgard. Now, get yourself in here before I throw you in, trousers on or not.”

Then, a grin that could only be described as very disturbing came to Loki’s face, sly and wicked.

“You would not meddle with my ways…. As we had bet.”

Thor gulped, oh now he was in trouble. 

“I will make sure to make good use of this victory when the need comes, Thor Odinson.”

He tossed the soaked trousers away and sat himself down on the edge, hanging his legs in the water. It was hot as he had expected and the frost giant in him called for him to adjust to it slowly. The steam burned in his nostrils, giving him the feeling that he was hardly breathing in any oxygen. He smiled though. Thor looked at his little brother with knitted eyebrows. ‘What was taking him so long?’ Hunched over he looked even thinner though. Fragile even, like he could break like porcelain could. He was much worse than Thor had thought when he came in with the Bifrost, like it had even increased over these few days.

“What are you staring at?” Loki asked sourly, covering his chest with his arms.

“You are so thin that it scares me.”

“Scares you?” Loki snorted incredulous.

“Yes! Have you even looked at yourself since you came here? It’s as if you would break if I’d hold you too strongly. Some peasants that had ill harvest look better than you! You are a prince of Asgard, you should not look like this!”

Loki slid into the water, too warm or not, he could not stand Thor’s staring. 

“I’m not dying Thor! Please don’t make a tragedy of something that will not be for long.” he fired back, seating himself on the ledge underwater, to fully let the water envelop him, it was very warm, just on the edge of too hot and just warm.

“But you look tragic, and I know it will go, but you just scare me as you are now.”

Loki cocked his head angrily.

“Call for food then! But please stop forcing all our conversations to whatever is wrong with me! Please!” 

Thor was getting on his nerves, he got it, he really understood why. But he was going crazy with all these inquiries, promises. All these talks that put him into an emotional pit of misery all the time. Where hope and kindness of new beginnings had to clash with the dark past over and over again.

Thor startled a little bit.

“Okay, not a word anymore, I promise.”

He really didn’t want Loki to get vexed and leave, not now when they were on the right track with each other. Instead he leaned back and called one of the maids to bring warm food from the kitchen, finger-food.  The young woman bowed and left to do as she was told.

“By the Norns, I have not felt this pleasant waters since the hot springs of Vannaheim.” Thor sighed blissfully.

Loki had now also adjusted to the warmth and leaned back to enjoy it.

“I must say I missed it too. Even now that I am home I can still feel the cold of Jotunheim within my very core. The warmth of bathing water will be something I cherish for the rest of my life.” He let the water soak the rest of his hair, not just what Thor’s wave had hit.

Thor laughed as a sudden memory sprang to mind.

“That had been an impossible thought when you were still a child. You hated water as a child!”

“Only warm water, it burned me. Probably jotun genes that I then did not know off.”

Thor waved the explanations away.

“It was priceless to see how it took three palace guards to get you in bath.”

Loki watched Thor snicker at this very fond memory.

“Well, I can remember a little golden prince that refused to sit in the tub whenever it was filled with soap.” He smiled. “Screaming at his mother that such a flowery smell was not fit for a brave warrior, and that the ‘enemy’ would smell you from a mile’s distance with such stink.” 

Thor nodded. 

“And still I’m not fond of its suffocating whiff.”

Loki looked at Thor as he stubbornly crossed his arms.

“Well, it at least refreshes that horrible smell of battle-sweat when needed, or would you claim your own odour was pleasant at such times?”

“That at least is a man’s smell little brother! I wish not to reek of flowers like some maiden.”

While Thor was getting all worked up about soap and the smell of it, the young maid placed a few platters on the edge of the pool.

“Well my lord, I think even the smell of flowers would not reduce the man you are in any way.” She took the liberty of saying. 

Loki snorted as Thor dropped the subject and gruffly mumbled that would be all. She gave Loki a nod also and left to return to the doors where she could be summoned by whoever required her service.  He looked at Thor as he reached out of the water to retrieve a platter. He was envious, he could fit into Thor twice now, maybe even thrice. His brother, proud, strong, happy, kind. All he was not.

“Come now brother, why so sour?” Thor laughed. “There is enough for the both of us.”

“No reason really, just hungry again.” he offered for an answer, he really did not want to start over again with all the heavy chat. Thor shrugged and held out the plate after he’d taken a chunk of ham for himself. Loki took some of the foods he knew, he had eaten them so long ago that it seemed so foreign all of a sudden. Batter fried prawns, hot and spiced as he remembered them, tiny spring rolls, breads filled with meat insides. He had missed the hot foods of Asgard. And with the banquet that was bound to come soon he would also get to eat the larger foods again, this was finger food only for the convenience of bathing. And desserts, the banquet would end with rows of sweets.  But for now, just the feel of warm food was enough to make him sigh in bliss.

Thor looked at the way Loki cherished such simple foods like it was ambrosia.

“What would you eat on Jotunheim that makes you so happy with this food?”

“A very neat mix of air and snow….” Loki said rolling his eyes.

“I did not ask for mockery brother.” Thor groaned.

“But you asked a stupid question. There are no banquets just lying around on Jotunheim. Going hunting was no option. I would have been the pray in every encounter. And of course there were days I could not even walk or see from what the Chitauri- ”

“Enough!” Thor rose from the water. “You cannot talk to me so numbly! I will not have it! You speak of yourself, not some stranger!”

Loki got up too, completely done.

“You need not tell me how to handle things! You were not there, you have not seen it! You may pretend, but you will NEVER understand me! I handle things in a way I see fit! If you do not enjoy that than you can go!” 

The flare behind Loki’s eyes was telling Thor that it would be indeed so definite and he slumped back into the water. 

“I’m sorry brother. I did not mean to-”

Loki held up a hand to cut him off.

“Just stop. No more apologies, no more words of my aches, my slights. None of it.” he let out a shaky sigh. “I can’t handle it anymore.”

Thor nodded.

“How about we remember the old times? The good ones?”

Loki snorted, eating every last one of the prawns left.

“Why remember? What good are memories, they’re of the past.” 

Thor scooted over and put a hand on his shoulder to soothe him in silence. But upon feeling the hard bone under his hand he started to worriedly probe at the side. Loki looked at him in annoyance. 

“Damn it Thor, must you really be pinching me like that?”

Thor opened his mouth.

“And I swear to the mists in Nifflheim that if you say one word about me being emaciated, I will break those fingers.”

Thor pulled his hand back and instead brought them to his face to rub at his temples.

“Fine, not a word. But it’s hard for me to ignore.”

“Try harder then.” Loki sighed.

Thor let out a deep sigh. This he had planned to go differently really. He got up again.

“Stay here.” He said when Loki got up to apologize. 

He turned around. 

“I understand Loki, I really do. But you are horrible at letting people help you. That’s why you are always alone.”

Thor put on a bathrobe and left after saying that, leaving Loki behind to consider that for a moment. Loki swallowed away the immense hurt that boiled inside. Had he finally pushed Thor away now too? Thor was not easily upset, but had he finally done it? Found the end of his rope? He saw the other food and although his stomach still beckoned, he was in no mood to eat more. ‘You are horrible at letting people help you.’ He was only trying to help, Thor was only trying to drag him out of the mess that supressed the better part of him. He refused to again succumb to misery, like he had always. Crying was for children, yet he had burst out in tears several times already, as the wreck he was. Thor watched from the side entrance sadly as Loki let out a frustrated cry and threw an arm of water out of the pool. Poor Loki, so confused.

“Prince Thor?” his companion urged as they did not move another step.

Loki looked up again. Thor had not left him alone. He guided another person in. An elderly woman, slightly hunched. She seemed familiar but Loki could not find who she was again. He looked at Thor with the question on his face.

“She will cut your hair for you.” Thor answered the unspoken inquiry. “You said you wished your old self again. Maybe not with words but your eyes are begging for it. This would be a small step.”

And now Loki recognized her, the court’s barber, she had been keeping his and Thor’s hair neat since they had been children. Thor helped him up and handed him one of the same robes.

“Thank you…” Loki mumbled in his ear. “I’m so sorry.”

Thor patted his back. 

The woman stepped around and grabbed a handful of his hair, shaking her head in disapproval.

“You sure know how to make a mess of my work.” she smiled though. “I let it be  for only three years and now look at you. Never ever use scissors yourself again boy, it’s a shame.”

She reprimanded him only softly. Thor grinned contently.

“You should have seen him when he came back two days ago. This is actually an improvement.”

Loki glared at him.

“Watch it Odinson, I still have a bet victory that can force you to shave every hair on your body off.”

“It was only a joke!” Thor said, protecting his golden head.

“But it was far from funny.”

The woman rolled her eyes and gave both of them a firm slap on the shoulder.

“You boys have not changed at all, the bickering will not even stop when you are both dead I’m afraid.” 

Thor grinned sheepishly as she started to push Loki ahead.

“Well some things never change my lady.” He called after them.

The barber led Loki to a side room. 

“There is no need to get offended by your brother’s jests. He always means well.”

Loki looked back only in time to see Thor slump back into the pool again.

“I know. He is just such a buffoon sometimes.” 

“But he cares very deeply for you. Even though he may not be able to word it like you can. He shows it.” she gestured him to sit on a chair. “This is one of those things. He knows you are unhappy about the fall-back you had during your time away, so he does what he can to ease some of that ache.”

Loki smiled as he sat down.

“I know.”

She pulled at his hair to make it line out.

“Well, you sure made sure I had some work to do, your hair is skew. Never ever do that again.”

She combed through the wet hairs.

“You’re just lucky you don’t have Thor’s hair. He has more matting than a dog.” 

Loki smiled. Their barber had always been a no nonsense type of woman. 

“Now, don’t move. I’ll attempt to repair some damage.”

He heard her test her scissors twice before the cool steel scraped over the back of his neck. She did her work quick but thorough. While she was busy  Loki busied himself with all the spells he knew were powerful. He would need some of those for the Tesseract’s power vibe. He archived spells in his mind that could deliver the proper presence to the body. He saw the black of his hair fall on the floor behind him. There was a lot already. He instinctively turned to look at the progress, but she put a firm hand on the back of his head and turned it away again.

“I said sit still, unless you wish to lose an ear.”

He grinned.

“Sorry…”

He felt how she cut back the long edges behind his ears and then she stepped around to check on him from the front.

“Ah, there was our little prince again.” She said, putting away the scissors. “You look much better.” 

Loki moved a hand up, it was trimmed back to the base of his skull again, that had been a long time ago. It hardly even felt familiar.

“Ah-ah. Don’t touch it, it’s good.” she smiled. “What you should do is go to your room. And take some rest.” 

He stood up and nodded.

“And I really mean rest. You have shades like bruises, as dark as they are.”

She eyed him sternly.

“I will my lady.” he answered.

She held the door open and gave him a nod.

“Don’t linger little prince, the sun will rise again for tomorrow.”

Loki thanked her silently and took off.

“Goodnight my lord…”


	11. The un-announced visit

Chapter 11: The un-announced visit.

 

For the first time in five years Thor slept soundly. The worries over his brother had mostly faded and for a change he did not dream of the terrible things Loki might have encountered. He really didn’t dream much at all, all he knew was that he had been very peaceful in his rest before the room shook and a loud bang shook him up. Items in his room shook and some dust fell from the ceiling. He jumped from his bed, summoning Mjolnir to fight the imminent danger. Another loud blow shook the floor under him heavily. He looked around with sharp eyes. Who would dare invade Asgard? He pulled the curtain open and looked out over the skyline of the city. The city looked undisturbed, all the way to the Bifrost the houses were normal, no smoke, no fire. But then smoke drifted by on the wind, it came from his left, he pressed his face against the window so he could just catch the source, the other tower. That meant…. His eyes widened and he shot away from the window. He didn’t linger to switch his sleeping-pants for others but rushed to the hallway. Pushing past a few other shaken residents.

“My prince we wish to know what’s going on.” 

Thor didn’t stop.

“Get the hell out of here!” he only yelled at them. “You might be in danger!”

Not waiting to see if they obeyed Thor ran up the stairs to Loki’s room in the tower, almost breaking the door down upon walking in.  The thick dark green smoke almost suffocated him upon walking in and he coughed violently.

“Loki?! Are you alright?” 

 Suddenly the smoke whirled away from him as if sucked up in a black hole. The green rapidly faded to one point, Loki’s palm. The other stood there calmly.

“Quite alright, sorry about that.” He smiled thinly.

Thor looked around the room which looked like a warzone really, things had fallen over, soot patterns were struck across the white walls. Some edges of his own clothes even glowed still with burns. 

“What in the Nine Realms did you do?” Thor asked flabbergasted.

Loki shrugged.

“Sorry that I scared you, it wasn’t meant to blow. I tried to weave two spells together for later use.” He blew a strand of hair from his face and smoothed it back with the rest again.

“My room almost shook apart!” 

Loki smirked.

“Hardly. There was a shockwave, admitted. But it was not harmful. Look at me, it blew up in my face and I’m not harmed.”

Thor softly shook his head as Loki started putting back books on their shelves.  

“What could they have been for? You have only been back for three days, what magic could you need at the moment?”

“It wasn’t out of need really.” Loki made a sweeping gesture for the soot to go away. “I was brushing up on some old spells. You know, I’ve been out of them for a while. Along the way I thought these particular two would make a neat combination.” 

He waved his hand dismissively. 

“I know what I’m doing Thor, don’t worry.”

“What were they for? To cause such a violent shake-up they must have been bloody dangerous.”

“Not at all. My preferred invisibility charm and a sound barrier. Thought it would help shield me from harm much better but… I sneezed.”

He grinned. “Bang.”

Thor pretty much jaw-dropped. 

“You sneezed…. You bloody- By the gods I will never understand your bloody magic.” He looked around again. “At least a proper weapon only does what you expect it to do.”

“Ah, but your Mjolnir  couldn’t heal you when that horse crushed your hand in battle.”

“And magic did not get you food when we had to survive in the forest those five weeks during the Alfheim riots.” 

“It could have, you just insisted that your food had been slain with a proper blade instead of weird trickery, because you feared the spell would affect you too.”

“And I still do, besides, you did not complain about my hunting.”

“No, but I did make the fire you used to roast it over.”

“Which I could have made myself too…” Thor added.

They both laughed.

“But admitted, without your magic I could have died on several occasions.” 

“Without mother’s magic I would have died.”

Thor looked up puzzled.

“The winter-war on Vanaheim. I was shot with an arrow, if mother had not transferred your energies and power into me I would have died.”

“I remember that…” Thor looked at Loki, he looked better, not as pale anymore.

He looked somewhat more alive. And that was a relief Thor decided. The dark shades under his eyes were almost gone now and his clothes seemed a little less loose.

“You look good today.”

“I slept well, and I just finished breakfast.”

Loki grabbed the last few books from behind his bed and placed them back where they belonged.

“Look, I would love to have you stay… But I was planning on practising more of my old spells, use this day for myself, if you don’t mind.” And yes that was a lie, but today the Chitauri would come, he was sure of it. It had been three days officially in an hour. He knew that.

“Of course I don’t mind. We have ages now!” Thor grabbed the doorknob. “But… have dinner with me tonight okay? I would hate to have you eat alone and without being able to talk to someone.” 

“Sure.” Loki mumbled, his focus on the remaining book in his hand.

Thor smiled, nobody could come between Loki and a book, that would never change. Even if Loki would become alliterate suddenly he would cherish his books.

“Don’t forget about it.”

He stepped outside to almost bump against Hogun and Fandral. They looked very displeased, actually they looked pretty angry.

“We heard some rumours.” Fandral said between his teeth.

“That your brother is not dead at all.” Hogun crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Thor sighed, they seemed not so happy with that news.

“And we, we dismissed them as gossip. Because, why would we believe so? He has been gone for three years. And if it were somehow true, then our dear friend Thor would have told us this.” Fandral’s tone was ice-cold. “But, then we had breakfast, with Sif and Volstagg. And guess, just guess who they encountered two days ago.”

Hogun was still pokerfaced. But Fandral was red in his face.

“My friends, what is it you want from me?” Thor asked, not happy to be talked to in that manner.

“The bloody truth would be nice! Is. He. Here?”

Thor inclined his head.

“Loki’s here. He is in his room.”

Even Hogun changed at that. His face dropped. And Fandral grinned with a no good kind of smile.

“After three years ? Why isn’t he in prison, why isn’t he hanging on the square for everyone to see?!”

Thor flinched at the thought.

“He has been through a lot. Other people have held him prisoner and they have hurt him far beyond a fair punishment for anything. If you would see him now you would understand.” 

Fandral threw his arms up.

“Oh boo-hoo. Someone took a swing at Thor’s baby brother and now all is forgiven.”

Thor was starting to boil inside with anger.

“You have not seen him when he arrived back in Asgard. He is in a bad state!”

Fandral cocked his head.

“Oh my deepest apologies. Let us visit him now, see how he is doing, shake his pillow and maybe get him a cup of soup.” He rolled his eyes.

“You will leave him be! He is recovering still and needs his rest.”

“Come on Thor! He is a criminal! You cannot baby him and pretend he didn’t do anything.  He is dangerous, a maniac.”

Hogun nodded in agreement.

“He should be locked away or executed.” He added even.

“Loki is redeemed! Go away now or I’ll have the guards take you away.” Thor growled, protectively putting a hand on the door behind him.

“That’s how it is…” the blond warrior straightened himself. “Well Thor, it is good to know where your loyalty lies.”

The two turned around and left. Thor opened his mouth to call after them but he could not think of anything to say. They did not cast another look at him. Why could they not understand what this was? Why could they not see things the way he did? The door behind him softly slid open. He turned around to find Loki looking back sadly.

“You didn’t have to protect me.”

“Of course I had, they are fools not to see how much you’ve changed.”

“They are not. Last time they saw me I was a little… lost. They do not know the things you do. And you must not blame them for that.”

“And you mustn’t eavesdrop on me.” Thor smiled.

“I wasn’t. You spoke so loudly it practically echoed through my room.”

He smiled back faintly. 

“You need not lose your friends for me.” 

Thor huffed.

“They wished for your imprisonment, or your death…”

Loki held the door open to let him in.

“Well, they will understand eventually. Right now they are hyped with the shock of the unknown. They’ll come to realize that family is important to you, as it is to anyone.” 

Thor flopped down on Loki’s bed.

“There’s still a burn smell in here.”

Loki closed the door silently, closing the book he had been working with so Thor would not see what was in it.

“You could open a window, but that would hardly help I fear.”

Thor turned on a side to look out the window. It was afternoon now, the sun stood high and cast a warm light on the flowers and trees outside, it was pleasantly warm outside, the good days of spring. He caught a small glow with the corner of his eye. It came from Loki’s nightstand, from the drawer.

He reached out his arm but suddenly Loki slapped it away, looking quite startled.

“Do not open that.” he said sharply. “The magic in there is not stable. You could burn.” 

Thor rose his hands.

“I’m not touching it.” He assured. 

Loki nodded and went to the washroom to drink some water. He had used a lot of magic these past few hours to work on the Tesseract. He threw some water in his face after drinking.  His fingertips felt slightly numb.  He promised himself to take a nap for a bit after talking with Thor. Suddenly he felt a strong pull behind his stomach. As if something jerked him backwards. It was them. He got up from the sink and his legs felt like lead. He tried to run for the safety of his brother but collapsed to his knees. 

“Thor!!” he cried out.

Thor could do nothing about this, but in his state of panic he needed his big brother. He saw Thor’s boots rush for him.

“Loki! What’s wrong?”

Thor grabbed his shoulders to keep him from falling forward.

“They’re here…” he groaned, feeling how the pull almost contracted his organs together.

Thor looked at him.

“Who’s here? Loki, what’s wrong.”

“They are here Thor. The Chitauri.” he started to black out.

“I don’t see them. Where?”

He grabbed Mjolnir from his side, using the other hand to support his brother.

“Not physical. I’ll fade soon. Wait till I wake, if I hurt, do not touch me. Get mother if anything happens. I will tell you about this.”

“No Loki, stay awake.” Thor shook his shoulder. “Come on, don’t let them take you.”

Loki shook his head and his eyes fluttered shut before he fell limb. Thor placed Mjolnir on the floor and carefully used his other arm to grab Loki under his knees to carry him back to his bed. He placed him there and waited. He was asleep now. Was this what he had told of? This transportation of the soul he had tried to explain?

Thor grabbed the chair at Loki’s desk and set it beside his bed to sit on. He could do no more than wait.

 

Loki stared up at the galaxy that moved over him.  The deep blues of the cosmos were intriguing but he really was not here to sight see. 

“You have had your time to think about my question. Three days are over Asgardian.”

“It was hardly a question…” Loki mumbled to himself.

“What do you answer now?” The Other came to hover over him.

“To go and crawl back to the pit you were once born from and die a painful death.” 

He sat up and tried to ignore the fact that he was very uncomfortable of losing momentary sight of the creature as he did. 

“What purpose does it serve? This denial, your insults. You will do this for us, we both know that. You really want to hurt again for  the little bit of pride we both know you don’t actually have? Or ache for a family that has betrayed you? Is it worth that?” 

“My family has never betrayed me. You have betrayed me. And the pain is worth it if I can make sure you will never have the Tesseract.” 

He could barely blink once before the Other shot out a hand and hurled him against a nearby rock. He winced as his shoulder took the blow. He tried to make it to his feet but the Other placed a boot on his chest, pinning his shoulder against the rock.  Before Loki realized its intention the Other grabbed the wrist and drove his foot down on his stretched limb. His elbow snapped apart at the joint, the bones ripping through his flesh to meet the open air. Loki let out a choked cry, he could not even scream for the pain suffocated him and emptied his lungs. The Other stepped back, smugly taking a look at the damage he’d done.

“So easily broken..” it grinned.

Loki hardly registered the double meaning behind the words. Terrified to do more damage to the wound he cradled his arm to his chest, ignoring the tears and the pain in his lungs.  He tried not to look at the bone sticking up from both ends, not wanting to give the other the pleasure of see him vomiting over the sight. Why was he doing this? Why was it so important to stay hostile? He bit his lip, he needed to stay believable.

“I could do this all day.”

Its hand shot forward to take hold of the freshly broken arm.  He smirked at the blood that ran out over its own hand. 

“Go to Hell.” He hissed, not even thinking of jerking at his arm.

The claw-like nails dragged a deep gash around the open wound, around his upper arm.

“Bring. It. To. Us.”

This was worth it, Loki had to tell himself. This had to be worth it. Only a little longer.

“No.” he barely managed to say it. 

He really just wondered if it would not be better to cut his arm off, so it would stop aching.

Blood started to pool over him in his lap. More deep cuts came, each time with the same demand. Denials were silenced in his throat. Eventually his upper arm was red with blood, torn in shreds. The Other had run out of space and grabbed his lower arm.

“No, enough.” Loki breathed heavily. “I’ll do it…”

The Other slipped his hand away.

“What was that little prince?”

“I’ll bring you what you wish. But I need time.” He tried to distract himself from the hellish mess of pain that was his left arm. The sleeve of his shirt was torn to bits and pieces of it lay around forgotten. A waste of fine fabric, but better than pieces of cloth lodged in his gashes.

“You need time…” the Other spat, clearly displeased. “And how much time would that be?”

“I do not know.” Loki’s mind was in a haze. “As much as it takes to pull this off.”

“And what if we would not grand you your time?”

“Then you can kiss it goodbye. One does not wander away with the Tesseract in a day. I need to plan this or it will be locked away for anyone to have it. Or maybe even destroyed.”

That caught its attention. The face leaned closer, eyeless, but still studying him.

“A month.” it said reluctantly.

“A month is not enough.” Loki fired back.

“One month Asgardian! That is all you will have before we tear you apart.” 

The pain in his arm became harder to bear with the second. The pain begged him to find a sharp object and cut it off, remove it so it could not hurt anymore. He needed to go back home, to take care of this. Even the smallest of shifts made him see stars. 

“Fine. A month.” He hissed in surrender.

The Other stepped forward even closer.

“Does the little Asgardian hurt? Does he want to go home?”

“Shut up. You got your answer. Now let me out of here so I can attend my wounds.”

The Other let out a cold laugh.

“You cannot demand of me princeling. If I want I can keep you here for as long as I wish, maybe do your other arm too to balance things out.”

“A month is already a tight schedule. If I need to recover even more then there will be no Tesseract by the end of that month.”

It leaned back, contemplating. It lived for pain, it was clearly a way of fun for it. Letting go his toy was a loss.

“Fine, go home to your Asgard. But retrieve our gift. If you disappoint us again, no living being would recognize you after we’re done.”

And when those words had been spoken the dark came again as foreign magic pushed him back to his body again.

 


	12. Secrets no more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter to Mending broken bonds. For the sequel go to the enemy of my enemy.

Chapter 12: Secrets no more.

 

Thor had put Loki on the bed and he had stayed near. If Loki hurt he was not to touch him. So he would hurt, he’d expected it. He’d waited a while, looking at his little brother’s face to see him grimace or anything. Nothing really happened those first moments. But then, when Thor had slipped out of focus a little Loki’s arm just twisted. He stood up from his chair and half stretched his arm before remembering he shouldn’t. Loki let out a scream that ragged his throat before an invisible force snapped his arm apart, the bones meeting the open air. Thor turned white and yelled his brother’s name. But Loki was not there. Blood had gushed out of the wound and the blond god had panicked. 

“Loki! Wake up!” he only just in time refrained from touching his shoulders to shake him.

He leaned over him, hands hovering above his brother’s bleeding form. If not touch him then what could he do? Another sharp scream echoed through the room and Thor felt blood splatter on his shirt before he saw it. A deep claw mark had shredded the skin near the open wound of his fracture. He could not bear this. He put a hand on Loki’s face but the electric burst that travelled up his arm made him pull back immediately. As if he had been hit by his own lightning his arm took the shock up to his elbow. Loki had started to twist in on himself as more shreds appeared on his arm. The agonizing screams made Thor fall back helplessly, putting his hands over his ears. This was torture, he could not watch this. But even with his ears jammed shut he could hear the screaming, and even as he did not look at his brother he could feel the blood that had already spattered against him. He stood and swallowed, he needed to do something. He grabbed Loki with both arms at the shoulders, ignoring the surge of electricity that sparked up his nerves. The pain was horrid but yet he held Loki and yelled at him, to wake up and come back. But it was no use. His flesh burned and he let go with a cry. He needed help, he needed someone more familiar with the ways of magic. He looked as Loki had stopped screaming and now lay coiled in on himself, breathing heavily. He needed their mother.

 

For the small sweet moment his soul travelled back towards his body Loki felt the pain stop. The darkness in between the branches of Yggdrasil was peaceful. But when he felt the familiar feeling of ‘being’ again the pain came back even harder. His actual body having to deal with the damage done. His senses other than feeling were blank, his ears were buzzing and his eyes black. He whimpered and tried to shift, there was a hand keeping him still. Not strong, lithe but urging. He opened his eyes, trying to blink past the blurriness of his vision. He was not alone, despite the poorness of his sight he could make out two figures. One blond headed in a way that could only be Thor, he was suddenly blocked out by the face hovering over him. He blinked more willing focus in his eyes. It was his mother.

“Do not move.” she ordered him.

He nodded groggily. Then she left his vision, making Thor visible again. He looked pale and shuddered as if he were ill or feverish. As his mother left he sat on the chair near his bedside again, his eyes ever focused on Loki’s arm with utter horror.

“Brother… ” his voice was weak. “… I’m sorry. I could not do a thing. I tried but the burn was too hard to bear.” 

Loki looked at the other’s hands. Thor had gingerly placed them in his lap, they were red and blistered with electricity burns. He shut his eyes for a moment.

“There was not a thing you could have done Thor.” His throat felt like it was filled with shards of glass. 

“But I needed to try. I could not stand and watch you be torn apart out of nothing.”

His eyes were still focused on the bloody arm in front of him, his eyes were moist. 

“You kept screaming and twisting, and I went to get mother. But when I returned you had calmed a bit. But the blood was everywhere and…” his voice died down and he started brushing his hands over the copper red stains on his own tunic. 

“One would’ve thought you’d been murdered.” 

Loki said nothing, instead trying to swallow away the sharp feeling of glass. It lingered however and he turned his face to follow Thor’s gaze. His arm was the same as it had been on the small planet, but in full daylight it managed to look even more gruesome. The pale bone sticking up through the crimson mess of his veins and muscles. The gashes were also deep, at some place meeting the bone of his upper arm if you looked close enough. Looking at it intensified the pain, the psychological realisation of pain not really helping. His arm rested lightly on a folded towel to straighten it out as much as possible. It had soaked in some blood but most had bled over his sheets, his clothes, some even on a puddle on the floor. It did look as if he had been murdered. 

“So it was them again? They are not gone as you said?” 

Thor’s question was low and quiet. And it did not really apply to this situation, he had told Thor that it was them right before he’d fainted. This was about before.

“There was no wound from your magic faltering, was there?”

He sounded hurt, to be lied to again. The so maniest he’d swallowed because he trusted him.

Loki sighed and looked at Thor shaking his head slowly.

“I thought they were gone. I really did.” he started. “It had been well over a month but when I came back to Asgard…”

He was silent again, trying to ease the ache of a dry throat.

“I never meant to mislead you, to block you out… But, I did not want to pull you into this. Look at what they can do…” 

He gave Thor a weak smile.

“Imagine how guilty I would feel if you had to go through such a thing… for my mistakes.” 

Thor placed a hand on his good shoulder, he understood.

“A man must not carry such burdens alone, not even to protect. You should have told us, we could have protected you.”

Loki sighed again, leaning his head against Thor’s wrist.

“You know damn well that I couldn’t. That you could not protect me, you know now, and that should be enough.”

Frigga returned to the room carrying half a pharmacy with her. She placed the phials on his desk and gently nudged Thor out of the way. She took Loki’s wrist and gently turned it a few times to study the wounds better. Even the slightest shift ached. Loki let out a wince and instead focused on the face of Thor who had occupied himself with gently soothing the pain in his hands. 

“At least the bone separated cleanly…” she mumbled to herself.

She seemed slightly vexed, as if it was a nuisance that he had ‘decided’ to be torn apart just now.

“There’s not splinters which I can see.” she let go.

The pain faded only slightly, but still it made his stomach twist in a near need to vomit.

“Thor, please retrieve a new towel. This one is sated.” 

The blond god nodded and ran for the washroom, eager to make himself useful in the presence of his mother. Frigga filled a cup with some water and a few of her special elixirs before she handed it to Loki. It stank of poison, acidic and bitter.

“It’s for the pain child.” she sighed as he refused to drink.

He decided his mother, no, not his mother, would not poison him. And anything to make the pain fade was good enough a reason to just not doubt. As he drank the reflex to gag immediately made his throat react. He had never had to work down anything this filthy. But he did and the pain numbed. It stayed silent as his mother turned to mash some herbs together for other use, the strong scent of healing herbs and more elixir burned in his nostrils. Thor came back and lifted his brother’s arm to replace the old towel. Loki winced as the way Thor did so bordered on violent.

“Careful Thor!” Frigga scolded. “Softly!”

Thor loosened his grip and as if handling glass he put Loki’s arm on the fresh towel, mumbling him a quick sorry. Loki smiled and looked at the bone again. He knew what would be coming, it had to be set, no healing spell or item would have effect if the bones didn’t line out. But the idea of having his arm twisted around for a second time was not appealing to say the least. 

“Thor, there is another thing I will need of you.” their mother spoke. “I numbed the pain, so you must set the bones.”

Thor looked at Loki and then at the wounds.

“I don’t want to be the one to do that to him…” he pleaded.

“Man up, it must be done quickly.” 

She seemed impatient still and irritated.

“It’s fine Thor. Whoever does so will hurt me, you at least I trust will not do so on purpose.” Loki assured him.

Thor sighed and reluctantly walked to stand on Loki’s side. He let his mother place his hands on the right place to get proper leverage. He winced and almost gagged as his one hand was placed into the deep gash right above the elbow, the feeling of another’s person open wound under his hand disgusted him. He looked at Loki and kept mumbling that he was terribly sorry, that he would never do this to him again. Frigga told him to keep still and placed a washcloth soaked with the mixture she’d made on both sides of the wound.

“Loki, listen to me. You and I both know that despite the potion this will bring pain. Just try and keep yourself still.” 

Thor looked down, only because he had to, his hands could easily encircle Loki’s arm. It looked like porcelain that had fallen, broken, shattered. He tried not to think of such things, instead he willed the sour in his throat down and took a deep breath. He’d seen worse on the fields of battle, he’d seen so much in war, this was not even the worst… but those others had not been his brother.

“Thor, twist it till it lines out, then press it back in place.” their mother instructed him. 

The blond god took a deep breath and brought force to his hands, the muscles tensing. Loki could feel the hands of his brother harden as he put force on them.

“I’m so sorry for this brother.” he mumbled as he leaned forward to use some of his weight too.

The bone groaned as Thor forced it to rotate to the left slowly. His knuckles turned white and the cracking sickened him. Loki screwed his eyes shut and pretended not to hear the sound his own arm was making. He tried to strain himself from any movement as the pain like wildfire burned through his nerves. He did not find enough air to scream, instead letting out a ragged and choked cry as he arched off the bed. All the will he could ever muster kept his arm still where Thor held him. The wound bled again, viciously. Blood turning Thor’s hands red like a butcher’s. The rest ran out into the rag and towel. Thor watched Loki twist away on his side, for a moment he feared he would dislocate his shoulder like that but he had to finish this to make those ragged cries stop. He pressed the bone inwards as he had been told, successfully bringing the two pieces together again and released his brother. Loki left his arm in place, in fact he did not move an inch. He just lay there, catching his breath, his cries slowly dying down into gasps and moans. He could feel sweat run off him like a waterfall of ice, cold and sickly. He trembled and found himself rigid with pain. Thor looked at it with an ache tugging at his heart, he had done this.

“Brother…” he said weakly.

“Some water, please.” Loki answered, his voice hoarse and thick with pain.

Frigga nodded to Thor that it would indeed be good to do that. Thor slowly walked to the washroom, not taking his eyes of his brother’s coiled form.

“You did well.” Frigga whispered to him, brushing a hand through his sweat-soaked hair. “The rest will be easier.”

Loki saw Thor appear in front of him and kneel down to his level placing a bowl of water on his sheets. He leaned on his good elbow and smiled.

“You look like shit little brother.” Thor said with a kind smile.

He put a pillow behind Loki so he could sit up a bit and drink.

“If you say that again I will turn you into shit Thor.” He groaned with a thin smile.

Frigga smiled at the two.

“I’ll be retrieving a few more things from the healer’s rooms. Stay calm and do not touch or move that arm.” She said sternly.

She walked out of the door and left them alone.

“What do they want?” Thor asked as soon as she’d left. 

He sat down on Loki’s side so they could talk.

“Sorry?” 

“The Chitauri.” Thor looked at him intently. He would accept no less than the truth this time. “What do they want from you?”

“What makes you think they want anything? That they need reason? You know what kind of creatures they are.”

He used the moment Thor contemplated to take a few sips. The cool water eased the sear in his throat and cooled his burning form.

“Because it makes no sense otherwise. Why would they stop hurting you and then suddenly pick up on it again when you return to Asgard. Why, if they had no reason, would they even stop?”

Loki sighed, Thor could still at least do some logic.

“The drawer.” he gestured to the nightstand.

Thor looked.

“The one I was not to touch or it could burn me alive?”

“That was a lie. I did not want you to see.” 

The blond god curiously opened it and his eyes went so wide they almost fell from their sockets.

“You stole the Tesseract?!” he almost tore the drawer from the nightstand to look at it better. Loki groaned, his arm hurt again, his mother’s potion started wearing off.

“Not so loud Thor.” he hissed. “And no, of course I did not. Look at it, does it even look real?”

Thor looked closer and then shook his head. It was not.

“But brother, I do not understand… What is the meaning of this?”

“I-” he heard footsteps approach. “Later, put that away, quickly.”

Thor fumbled in his hurry but managed to push the drawer back into the bedside-table at the very second their mother pushed the door open. 

“Thor? A hand please? This is more than I can carry really.”

The blond god took some of the flasks from her hands and placed them on the desk. Loki looked at the amount and sighed. Why all the healing oils? He could do with a healing stone now that the fracture had been set. But his mother would know what was best, apparently. Frigga placed the remainder of her things on the desk before filling the bowl she’d brought with several liquids. The smell that came of the bowl was thick and heavy with alcohol and herb-oil. Loki wrinkled his nose. 

“Must you use that?” he asked, knowing how much he was like Thor at this point. “It  will smell as if I am severely drunk  and drastically over-bathed.” He mocked.

Thor snickered lowly at the remark. Loki gave him a glare.

“You must not complain , the smell of your flesh rotting from your bones if I would not is far worse.”

Good point. Frigga soaked a clean rag with her disinfectant and dabbed at the claw-marks. It seared, his blood disagreeing with the intrusion of the unfamiliar liquid, but it was nothing compared to setting his bones, so he did not move a muscle this time. His mother meticulously cleaned every wound so that not a single germ could possibly have survived. Fine, now it was clean. But this better be over soon. Loki started to grow impatient. He had things to do. He only had a month.  But when his mother grabbed a bandage and soaked it in more of the disinfectant, he let out a loud groan.

“Can you not find me a healing stone? It’s clean and set!”

She shook her head and put the end on his elbow lightly before making a soft wrap around it first.

“We’re at war child. The stones we had were sent with the soldiers. I’ll bandage it and put a healing charm on it to speed the healing. That should make a scar-less recovery in five days, given the severity of the fracture.”

“Five days?!” Loki threw his head back in frustration.

“Five days is nothing brother. The mortals heal from such wounds in more than two months and the scars will be there forever.”

“But I’m no human Thor! I have things to do! And I cannot do them if I have to wait on my arm to heal!”

His mother finished the wrapping of his bandage and smiled at his words.

“Dear son, what could possibly be so urgent?”

There was something about the way she said it, the way she smiled at him that made Loki realize why she had not even bothered asking what had happened at all. It was right there, in the worry that shone through, the way she seemed irritated. 

“You think I did this to myself?” he whispered, hurt.

Thor’s head snapped up as Loki spoke those words, not understanding where that question came from. His mother however only smiled again.

“There is no need to feel shame for it Loki. I understand, you wish to know how much we care about your well-being. It’s perfectly normal for someone in your… position. But child, be careful with yourself, such a severe fracture is hard to heal.” She spoke softly.

Thor looked at Loki and could immediately see that she was way off with her thoughts. Loki’s mouth fell half open in disbelief,  his eyes became red and the frown on his forehead betrayed that he could not wrap his mind around it. 

“I would never hurt myself! I’ve hurt enough! I don’t need to ‘test’ your care for me like this!” he spat to her before turning his head away.

Frigga frowned, she had apparently been absolutely sure that this was the only explanation possible. As she finished the healing charm Loki pulled his arm away. He refused to look at her.

“You really know so little of me that you think me capable of that?” he growled.

Frigga seemed thrown off even more, she tried to reduce the damage she’d done.

“Of course I found it strange but… well you did go insane at some point Loki. Is it really that weird that I see you capable of irrational behaviours?” 

Thor could see anger boil in Loki’s eyes. It was horrible to watch this, they used to be close. But he really could not understand how their mother could think this possible.

“Oh that’s it then?” Loki breathed half a laugh although it was not one of enjoyment. “Poor little Loki is so completely mad that he would tear himself apart?” 

He stepped from the bed and walked away from her.

“You twist my words Loki.” She said. 

“No! You try to make these very words sound sweet but it is the same! I am not insane!”

Thor only realized only just in time that Loki sought for his company and back-up. He stepped behind him and put a hand on the other’s healthy shoulder.

“Mother, you are indeed mistaking. Loki is not capable of such extremities. He is confused but he is not mad.” 

Frigga slumped her shoulders and looked at her sons.

“Put yourself in my position. When you are called because your son starts bleeding and breaking out of the blue, there are no attackers, and you know him to be a mage, an unstable one…”

Loki let out an offended snort and looked away. 

“But if that was not the case… who did this to my beautiful child?”

Loki sighed deeply, there was the question. He stayed silent, actually he did not want to speak with her now. 

“Look, it was me… We were sparring and-”

Loki beckoned Thor silence. 

“It was the Chitauri mother.” Loki said. 

Thor looked at Loki and so did his mother.

“What?” Frigga asked.

“There’s something they want, and they intend to get it from me.”

He looked at her more intently.

“This will not stop before they have it. And therefore, I will use their want to destroy them…” he gazed at both of them. “Really destroy them…”


End file.
